Diary of a Working Housewife

Thursday March 21, 2019 10:45 AM:

The loss of a child is an all-consuming sadness that takes you to places you never thought existed. Whether by death or by circumstances, the all too painful experience makes you question your own existence. I, myself, have lost a child to miscarriage and another to circumstance. When I miscarried, I mourned, and with time I accepted this painful experience.

I thought nothing could ever hurt more. Until my teenage daughter cut herself out of my life. Refusing to be around me, speak to me, or even acknowledging that I am her mother. It has been three years since I last held my daughter. She recently turned 18 years old and I was not there.

I have five beautiful children, Three adults, and two young kids. My first four are from my first marriage. After 20 years of being with a person, you would think they would at least make sure the relationship ends on a good note. But of course, he did not let that happen. After many attempts to turn our children against me, he finally achieved it with one, our teenage daughter. I refuse to bash him and his actions, or even hate him for it, but I wish one day I could ask him, "Why?"

I have always been an overprotective mother, and like any parent, I learned as I went. I worked nights to be available to take my children to school and pick them up, make them dinner, help them with homework... all before I went off to my next shift. Though I was exhausted most of the time and always rushing them to get things done before my next 13 hours of work... I tried my best to be there for them. I have loved my children unconditionally since the day they were born. And I was under the impression we had a pretty good relationship. Until their father and I split up. That is when my daughter and I started having problems, and it didn't end well. I made the mistake to turn to my ex-husband for help with her behavior, and he just used it against me. That is all I'm going to say about that.

Here I am three years later and wondering, did I not do enough? Could I have done things differently? In many cases, yes... I should have done things differently. But is that enough to cut your mother out of your life? A woman who loved you so much she nursed you until you were three years old. A woman who stuck by you through your every flu and cold, who cried on your first day of kindergarten, who hurt when you hurt. Our pictures and videos show us doing fine... and then one day we weren't.

When Sadness Consumes You...

I wish I could tell you how to deal with all the sadness. I, myself, try to keep my mind busy. I have two other small children, so they take a lot of my time. My youngest is just one year old, followed by his sister who is only eight years old. Then I have my 20-year-old son who just started his training as an EMT. We have a very good relationship and he, along with my eldest daughter (who I also have a great relationship with) help me not lose sight of my estranged teenage daughter. Through them, I try to help her behind the scenes as much as possible.

It's the quiet moments, though not many, that bring out this pain. I think of her so much. I pray every day that she will one day return to me. I pray that even if she never does, that she will find love, peace, and happiness in all that she does. And that one day, when she has children, she will see how hard it is to be a mother and maybe understand me just a little.

Behind the Smile...

The daily struggle to get up and going continues without a break in sight. I feel like no one understands what I am going through. Most blow it off and tell me to get over it. That one day she will come around. They expect me to always be smiles. I just wish they understood that it isn't that easy. This is my baby. Who I have loved way before I met her. How do you get over this kind of love? You don't. You live with the pain. You struggle day in and day out. You hope that one day you will get to hold her again. Until that day, I will shed tears almost on a daily. I will pray every day. And I will mourn her absence until I see her again... in this world or the next.

I send this out into the world with the hopes it will be read by a mother or father feeling this kind of pain. I encourage you to reach out and contact me. Maybe some healing will come from dialogue.

May the Goddess bless you all and surround you with her divine white light.

Venus

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