You Are So Loved

Unfortunately, my life has been touched by suicide. During high school, I struggled with self harm and suicidal feelings. I didn't have a productive way of coping with stress, and self harm became my coping mechanism. Now, I know now that self harm is not an appropriate coping mechanism, but when I was younger, for some reason it was the only thing I could think of to calm my anxious mind. This unfortunately was a struggle throughout all of my high school career, up until halfway through my senior year. I made some really amazing friends my senior year of high school, and I was the captain of my high schools color guard. I had a solo in our indoor show, and I felt like I finally had a place. Luckily for me, things only went up from there, and I learned more positive ways to deal with my stress. Now I clean. Other people aren’t always as lucky, however. They don’t find their place, and they don’t realize how loved they truly are until it’s too late.

The summer of 2016, my family was hit with that reality. I remember exactly what I was doing when I got the phone call from my mom. I had just finished up at a petsitting job I was at, and I was running into CVS before going to babysit for one of my many amazing families. My mom called me in tears. She told me to cancel babysitting and get home as soon as I could. The thought that my cousin was gone was the absolute last thought in my mind. Everyone in the house was running around, packing, crying, and otherwise seemingly numb when I got home. “Honey, I need you to sit down for a second,” came choked through tears. “Evan hung himself.” There it was. My world shattered. Evan was the closest thing I ever had to a brother. He was my dad’s surrogate son. He was my aunt’s rock. He was my sister’s best friend. He was the brightest light I’ve ever seen shine in this world. How could it be possible that he was gone? That’s when the tough questions came. Why did he do it? Wasn’t he happy? Did anyone see it coming?

The next couple hours are a blur in my head, but I know they consisted of me saying bye to my mom and sisters for a few hours while they traveled to Maine to be with my family and my dad and I took care of things at home. I had to call all my petsitting and babysitting families to cancel on them, including one of my families that had traveled overseas. Thankfully, my families were so understanding. To this day, I cannot express my appreciation to them enough.

My dad and I finally got everything straightened out, and we began the trek to Maine. It was mostly in silence, because neither of us knew what to say. The tears were on and off, and my head was spinning with questions. Then it hit me. Just a couple of years ago, this could have been me. I could have been the one who shattered my family’s world, without any idea of the impact it would have had on them. To this day, everyone claims that surely Evan had to have known how much he was going to hurt everyone in his life. But speaking from someone who contemplated ending their life, I don’t know if he did. I’m sure he realized people cared about him, but I don’t know if he realized the true extent of how important his life was to everyone he had touched.

We all learned the true extent during the time after Evan’s death. The support my aunt and the rest of my family got was overwhelming. We raised over $9000 on a Gofundme page to help my aunt with the funeral and related costs, and over 300 people showed up to the funeral; so much so that the ceremony had to be moved outside so everyone could be present. Countless people, including myself and my sister, got tattoos in memory of Evan, as a way to keep him close to us forever. To this day, my aunt is still receiving support from some of Evan’s closest friends, and they will now always be a part of my aunt’s life, giving her an extra part of Evan to hold onto. I can’t help but wonder if Evan felt this love before his death. Surely if he did, he wouldn’t have felt the need to end his life. But that’s the thing. Even if they know they’re loved, people who suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts or any other mental illness don’t always focus on that aspect of life. They become hypersensitive to the negative aspects, and all the love and support they receive doesn’t quite cancel out the negative feelings. Evan was and still is so loved; one of the most loved people I’ve ever known. He was the brightest star this world has ever seen, and somewhere along the lines, he lost sight of that.

Evan forgot how loved he is. He didn’t realize how important he was to every single person in his life, and how many more lives he still had to touch. To this day, two and a half years later, I remember that, and it reminds me of how loved I am, of how many people I would hurt if one day I didn’t wake up, and of how many people would miss me until the day they died. A tragedy made me realize that, but it doesn’t have to take something so extreme for everyone. All it takes it waking up each morning and remembering even just one person who loves you. It can be your mom, your sibling, your best friend. You are SO loved, and please, don’t ever forget that.