Why Didn't You Love Me?

We come into this world unable to fend for our own self, we naturally rely on our parent or guardian. Assuming they will be our forever protector. Not often do we think that our protector is the one we need saving from.

As a child, we naturally see the good in people, especially those who we are personally connected to. We don't see the evil that can be lurking inside of them. We are children, we could never believe that the person who provide's us with our daily bread could be the devil reincarnated. Why would we? How could we? We love these people, they make us better when we are sick, clothe us, bathe us, feed us and provide for us.

Does this mean that we should keep quiet about the bad things that are happening behind closed doors? If we tell on them, who is going to provide for us. We are children, we can't claim state benefit, get housing or a job. As a child we need adults to take care of us. We look at our parents/guardians and see them cooking our dinner, washing our clothes cleaning our rooms, buying us presents. If we tell on this adult then who is gonna do all that? Where will we end up? Who will love us? These questions can put ridiculous pressure on a child.

As we grow older, things start to make more sense. You start to learn what's right and what isn't. You understand a bit more about what is happening to you, its never felt right anyway, but now you know it definitely isn't right. You don't like it. You want it to stop.

Making the bad things stop means telling someone what's happening. Our instinct is to tell our parent/guardian. They have done everything for us so far, they are going to help, aren't they?

We work so hard to build up the courage to do this. A huge mix of emotions whizzing around our heads, with the hope that this will be the end of it all now. Reaching out with all our might we open up. Telling them everything, reliving it all as the words hesitantly fall out your mouth. The relief of telling someone doesn't come straight away, you feel nervous and scared and sick first.

After a while, your head starts to settle and you're confident that you've done the right thing, that it is finally over and you can start to have a normal happy childhood.

Being a child, you assume your parent/guardian is taking care of things and you start to worry less about the bad people and bad things you have endured so far.

When it happens again, not only are you violated as a human being but you have a harsh reality slap. It's still happening? How? Why? The confusion, the hurt, the rejection. You told.

You kind of die a little inside. You become accustomed to it, so to speak. Remember, telling never helped before.

You continue to physically grow. Start to notice lumps and bumps and hormones galore. The abuser notices your lumps and bumps too and like's to point out on the regular that those zits are growing and your face is covered, your hair is greasy and you've put weight on. Talk about kicking a kid when they are down.

All the abuse is really wearing you down. You feel so alone, you feel you have nobody to fight your corner.

One more desperate attempt to make it stop, hoping that if you tell again they will do something this time round. Maybe the parent assumed it had stopped as you haven't mentioned it since you had told a few years before. Maybe this time will be different. Maybe they will listen and finally help. Hopefully. Maybe.

To open up about something as delicate and disgusting as this just once is damned hard enough, but to have to do it again to the same person is soul destroying. You know deep inside your heart that it is falling on deaf ears but you are a kid, in need of help trying to reach out to the person who is supposed to love and protect you.

When you are failed by this person time and time again, you start to feel differently about them, this person put you on this planet, gave you life, you loved this person from the very beginning and now you are having to question that love and before you know it they just keep coming. Is this just how life is? Is this how we treat those we love? Do we turn a blind eye for that love? Do they love them more than us? Did i do something wrong? Was it my fault? When will it end? Will anyone ever help?

Finally you give in, There is no escape. You've done all you think you can. You've told the right person, if they can't or won't help who will?? You hold on to the tiny fire inside that will one day set you free...