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Where Our Love Grows...

A Couple and Their Final Chance to Complete Their Family

By Titanium JenPublished 6 years ago 12 min read
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Laying on my back, legs in the air… being in this position was the closest thing Sam and I had to natural conception. I was starting to spend more time in this position with a doctor’s hands inside me than intimately in this position with Sam. I had everything crossed, except my legs which were uncomfortably forced into stirrups, that this would be the last time I had to endure the 180 minutes of total hell.

“Just relax,” Dr. Whites politely requested as she twisted the speculum open. Easy for her to say when she’s got the comfortable seat in this room… All I could feel was what felt like my cervix being torn open… This time around there damn well better be a viable baby living in my uterus.

The whole thing dragged on for hours, Sam never came into these appointments as he was far too squeamish. If we ever conceive, imagine what he’d be like during labour. Instead of being sat by my side during the prodding and poking of my cervix, he was texting from the costa downstairs. I was distracted from a long digging pain, which felt like it was right in my belly button by a vibration of my phone. It was Sam:

"How’s it going up there?"

I instantly laughed… causing an intense shooting pain through my abdomen. “Please refrain from laughing while I’m inserting these into your uterus please. You know how important this stage is.” Dr Whites has very little patience today, she too seemed to be growing tired of repeatedly forcing fertilised eggs into the lining of my womb only for the pregnancy test a few weeks later to come back as negative. Even she must be doubting if I’ll ever mother a child by now.

At least she was getting paid to be doing this, Sam and I were paying everything we’d worked hard to earn. All of this because his sperm don’t know up from down, and my uterus is as hospitable as The Ritz to people without money.

Sam was being rather blasé about all of this in hindsight, the more I thought about what to reply to that text message while Dr Whites had a good dig around in my uterus, I was becoming increasingly frustrated. I started typing away on my phone:

"Well it feels like Dr Whites has her entire arm inside my stomach today. There best be a baby cooking in there soon. These appointments are bloody exhausting… Not to mention killing my bank balance. If this is unsuccessful I won’t have the money to come again for a few months unless we both work overtime. I know I should be relaxing but I am so stressed by all of this now. What if it never works?"

Tears were rolling down my face as I typed the message. I probably needed to speak to Sam in person about my concerns. Was this ever going to work? I’d lost count of the number of appointments and money that had gone onto conceiving our first child. The more we’ve tried and failed, the more desperate I’ve become. Everything was hanging on us becoming parents. I don’t know if our relationship could withstand the heartbreak of another negative pregnancy test.

The drive home from that appointment was eerily quiet following my text message, but as we pulled up on our drive, Sam looked at me and whispered, "Have some faith." I couldn’t help but doubt his optimism. I hurried into the house and sprawled myself across the sofa, with hips elevated, to get gravity working on our side. Sam sat opposite me looking slightly concerned and eventually piped up “We need to clear some things up.” I nodded but didn’t move from my spot; it was a position I’d learnt to adapt when I was feeling that all else was lost. Sam looked at me lovingly, but a sense of desperation and worry radiated from his eyes into mine.

He softly spoke, “What’s the worst thing for you in all of this?” I looked at him, knowing the truth was going to crush him. I took a deep breath hoping that my voice wouldn’t shake as much as my hands were.

“So I know you’ve worked incredibly hard on the nursery but every day I see it empty with no sign of ever being used, just like my stupid womb. It kills me.” My voice was weak and wavering, I was petrified of how Sam would respond.

Sam looked down to the floor. He glanced back up at me, his eyes screwed up. “Well, I didn’t plan to have an empty useless ball sack. I’m trying! I’ve ejaculated into every damn cup you’ve asked me to… The only thing I haven’t fucking ejaculated into recently is you! I know how you bloody feel Elle and don’t make it out like this is only hard for you.” His voice carried a mixture of anger, frustration and disappointment, but before I could take a moment to think rationally I had jumped to my feet clutching a cushion in my hand.

“Don’t you dare. We aren’t having sex because I’m preserving the natural balance of the implantation site. Do you want to throw away our fucking chances of a baby for a quick fuck?!” I retorted like a woman possessed. “It’s me who Dr. Whites tortures with speculums and needles every god damned month to no avail. It’s me who must come home and tell you that we’ve failed again and here you are playing the victim. It’s both of us in this for the love of god. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and start thinking rationally. Because realistically this is it. We can’t afford another attempt. We can’t keep falling deeper into debt. No baby this time is no baby ever. And rather than fighting we should fucking talk about all the issues that are ripping us apart in this desperate quest to get knocked up.” I took a moment for breath and Sam rapidly interjected.

“Sit down. You’re right. We shouldn’t be fighting when I go away for work tomorrow, let’s have that talk.” I sat down at his feet on the cushion I’d been clutching, with the sudden realisation that I’d moved from the "position of conception" I burst into tears. Had I just destroyed our last chance of a viable pregnancy, arguing about getting pregnant?

Sam placed his hand on my shoulder and pulled me in to his chest until we were fully embraced in a cuddle. I instantly felt soothed, but the tears wouldn’t stop rolling. Sam hushed me a little and started the conversation that would break both of our hearts.

“Elle, I know we want this more than anything, but I think you’re right. This must be our last attempt… Trying to get pregnant is crippling us and anymore loans or mortgaging of the house would lead to a total credit score loss. Maybe we need to start turning our focus to the fact that we know it’ll probably be adoption for us. But you’ll still be a mother, and me a father. Just to a child who needs non-biological parents, maybe this is fate.”

I couldn’t speak so I just looked up and nodded. He kissed me delicately on the head and I slowly took myself off to bed to rest. This whole day had drained the life from me.

The next few weeks seemed to fly by, it was a jumble of more tears, stockpiling of pregnancy tests and the never-ending heavy heartedness that came with waiting for test day. Sam was incredibly supportive on this cycle, and although he didn’t know I’d heard him, he had been crying late at night when he thought I’d drifted off to sleep. Nothing was out of the ordinary and other than a vicious cold that I’d caught, all was normal. I’d experienced this, a million times. It was going to be another test day with a very expensive no.

No day seemed to stand out until the morning of June 14th, it was a Wednesday and Sam was still away working. I woke up alone in a bed that seemed giant now, to a pain in my stomach and rushed to the bathroom. Vomit was forcing its way from my body and I only just reached the bathroom in time. It was explosive, and it lit a glimmer of hope for the first time that maybe something had happened. After 15 minutes of sickness I hurried myself into the front room and plonked myself down in front of some daytime television with a cup of tea. My heart filled with hope.

Hope that was soon dashed.

As I was watching the current events section of the news, I felt a warm feeling from my vagina. My underwear felt damp, I got up concerned and headed to the bathroom. "If I was pregnant, my discharge would change and maybe this is the start!" I was excited as I rushed onto the toilet. I wiped myself after urinating and then saw the tissue, bloodied.

My heart sank… False alarm. I’d allowed myself to build my hopes up, only for them to be dashed by the inevitable period of doom.

I was sure it wouldn’t have been my period initially as I wasn’t due for another week. Nevermind…

As the day went on there was no sign of any further blood. It was just a small spot of blood it appeared. The evening came and there was still no sign of any more blood. There was slightly heavier discharge and I was growing curious. I snuggled up on the sofa and googled spotting following IVF treatment. This had never happened before, had there been damage to my cervix during the insertion process? Was this a further problem with my uterus? I was panicked and I hoped good old Dr.Google would help me figure this out before I had to skype Sam and tell him everything that had happened today.

Every website told me the same. "Implantation bleeding," could it be…

I couldn’t breathe, my heart was racing, and I couldn’t stop pacing. Equally I was frozen with fear. I fetched a pregnancy test out of the bathroom cupboard and paced for a few moments. I sat on the toilet. Lid closed still. I was petrified. Should I just wait until the official test date? Was this too early? Could it be? Should I just look now?

Before I knew it, I’d walked into the nursery and was sat in the rocking chair. I couldn’t straighten my thoughts out. Everything would rely on this moment. This test was our last chance. Everything could change in a moment. For good or for bad.

I was rocking backwards and forwards, unwrapping the test as I went. I was shaking. I stood bolt upright. Stormed into the bathroom and got a small plastic cup out of the cupboard.

I’ll just pee in the cup and then decide, that’s the best bet because I’m bursting to go. I wasn’t sure if it was excitement or the several cups of tea that I’d drank that day in my panic, that had me almost wetting my knickers.

I carefully hovered over the cup on the toilet and aimed my stream into the cup. It was soon filled to the brim and I placed it down next to the sink.

Should I wait for Sam? Could I even bring myself to do it? Thoughts were racing in my head. I didn’t know what was for the best, but in a sudden burst of decisiveness I placed the test into the cup and sat on the floor with my back to the test.

The next five minutes felt like a lifetime. Every moment of mine and Sam’s life together flashed through my mind. Finally, the 5 minutes was over. I stood up slowly. I felt eager yet frozen with fright.

I looked down. And there it was. Two lines. A positive. I couldn’t breathe.

Holy shit.

I’m finally pregnant. I’m going to be a mother! How do I tell Sam, maybe he can come home tonight instead of tomorrow! It must be fate. It was our last chance.

Before I’d even had a chance to figure out what I was going to say to Sam, I’d automatically called him, and he was picking up the phone!

“Hello gorgeous lady, I’ve missed you.”

I couldn’t speak back, I was just heavily breathing…

“Elle are you okay?” Sam sounded concerned as he spoke. Suddenly I managed to spit out some words. “Please come home now. I have to see you.” The line went dead before I could explain and seconds later there was a text to say “On my way. I’ll see you in a few hours. I’ll drive as quickly as I can.”

I sat on the doorstep waiting and clutching to pregnancy test, soaked in my own urine. Sam’s car span into the block and he burst from the car door and ran up the steps to me. “Elle… What’s happened?” He looked down at me clutching the test and my eyes were filled to the brim with tears, and my face was absolutely soaked.

He looked gutted. “Another no? I told you not to take a test alone, I know you can’t cope with the heartbreak anymore.” He bent down while speaking to me and the tears exploded from my eyes, drenching my face and clothes. I held the test out. He looked down for a moment, and when he looked back up his eyes were glazed over.

“That’s two lines?” I’d never heard him sound this way.

He held me tightly in his arms, kissing my head softly and then took his hand and cupped it over my stomach. “Daddy’s here,” he whispered gently into my abdomen. He passionately kissed me and caressed me in his arms as he guided me back into the house, taking shelter from the cold and dark street. He sat me down on the sofa, I’d finally stopped crying and he simply knelt down in front of me, took both of my hands and calmly said “This is everything we’ve ever wanted. My entire world is complete, and I will protect you both forever.”

I couldn’t breathe. It was so surreal. Thousands of pounds later, we have a successful conception. Everything felt different. Finally, I felt so close to complete… I just couldn’t wait to hold you here in my arms. Not long now until I’d feel you moving inside my belly.

pregnancy
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About the Creator

Titanium Jen

I’m a 23 year old aspiring writer, who writes a selection of work inspired by my personal experience as a Brain cancer patient as well as a selection of creative writing pieces! All money earnt from any views is for charity!

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