Where Do I Fit In?

Who am I?

 Who am I? Where do I belong in this huge world? I really don't know...

What I do know is that I am a mom. The day that I became"Mommy" is the day that I gave up being me... Or, maybe, just maybe, that was the day that I found myself.

 My children are my heart and soul, even though 99.9 percent of the time they drive me crazy. I have thought about counting just how many times a day I hear "Mommy," "Mom" or one of the various other ways. Then I realized there's probably not enough ink in my pens nor enough paper in the stores! And I am not joking! I thought once my children were over five-years-old I would hear it a lot less. Nope! I think I hear it more now than ever. I'm not complaining. I love hearing it. But sometimes I feel like it's on repeat. I close my eyes to go to sleep and it's still echoing in my ears, "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy," kinda like that episode of Family Guy where Lois is laying down and Stewie just stands there repeating it over and over again! My mom always said my children would be ten times worse than I was growing up! 

I'm a fiance. For everyone, that title means something different. For me, on most days, it's a badge of honor and I'm so proud and excited to have made it this far. On other days, it feels like an overwhelming weight. I'm constantly criticizing myself, thinking that everything I do is wrong, thinking I'm not good enough, telling myself that he deserves better than me. I'm always feeling like I'm worthless, always afraid that he's going to find someone better, prettier, smarter, younger. No, he doesn't make me feel like that. My insecurities and mental health issues are the cause. 

I am a sister. I haven't been that great of a big sister. In many ways, I have failed my younger siblings. Instead of being there for them, teaching them things, and just spending time with them, I was selfish and more worried about myself and stupid decisions I was making. I am trying to make up for it now as best I can but I know that I will never get that time back and that I missed my chance. I just hope and pray that they know I love them and will be there for them any time they need or want me to be.

I am a daughter. If I think I have failed as a big sister, I know without a shadow of doubt that I've failed miserably as a daughter. I am stubborn and strong-willed. I don't think about consequences when I act. I don't think of how my actions will affect others, especially those who love me. There were many nights that I had my family afraid that something had happened to me. Sometimes, I snuck out to meet friends and party. Other times, I did it because I couldn't stand being there. I felt as though no one there could understand me. I also felt like they were too busy to notice, let alone care, that I wasn't there. Is it because they made me feel that way? Not necessarily. They had to work and there were four younger siblings. I was the oldest and obviously expected to help with everything. My mom and stepdad worked, and still do, extremely hard to take care of us and make sure that we had everything we needed. I was just a selfish girl who cared only about herself. It's taken me a while and a bit of therapy to realize that they didn't just want me to be home to be a babysitter for the younger ones, or to do chores around the house. They didn't have me do those things as a punishment. They asked those things of me because they trusted me and thought I was capable and mature enough to do so. I took that trust and shredded it until it was beyond repair. Having a mental illness (illnesses) does not excuse what I did. Nor does being a teenager. I really never realized how truly blessed I had been until I had my first child. Now, I hope that I can teach them to be and do better than I did. On the plus side, between their dad and I, I'm pretty sure we know every trick in the book, so it'll be hard for them to fool us.

For the longest time, and even some days now, I don't feel good enough. I don't deserve everything I have. I don't deserve all the chances that I have been given. I find myself asking what my purpose is. Why, after all the dumb stuff I have done and all the crap that I've been through, why am I still here? There must be a reason.... Will I ever know the answer to that question? Highly doubtful. What I do know is that no matter what, I am going to be the best me that I possibly can. When life knocks me down, I will get back up fighting harder than before. When the self-doubt slaps me in the face, I'm going to hit it back with self-love. When my mental illnesses start pulling me away from my goals and tempt me into the depths of stupid decisions, I will stand strong and talk about the issue rather than hiding it. I will no longer pretend that I am okay when, in all honesty, I am shattering inside. I will speak up against the things I feel are wrong. I will support each and every person I care about even if I don't agree with their choices. I will be there to celebrate the good times with them. When things are going bad, I will be there as a shoulder to cry on and an unjudging ear, because at the end of the day we are all human and we all belong even if we don't see it right now.

No matter how low life may be, you always remember that there is someone, somewhere that loves you and needs you. Know that the only time you really truly fail is when you give up or when you don't try at all. There are a million excuses not to try something. But there's one amazing reason to — you're worth it!

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Where Do I Fit In?