When Christmas Isn't Christmas Anymore

Let me start by breaking this down for you

1. This is not a story about how Christ has been taken out of CHRISTmas—although there is a story to be had there.
2. I am writing this as an advocate for the people who are too young to understand or are too scared to have a voice.
3. I am tired of crying about it and need to put it into words instead, please don't feel sorry for me. Instead, evaluate how you are handling these situations if they pertain to you and save someone else the same heartache.

So.. with those disclaimers, here's a little background on what my holiday seasons look like. A set of grandparents who want to see their grandchildren for one of the handful of times they get to in a year. A mother and her fiancé (who refuses to go to said grandparents house, ever) who wish to spend time with her children. A father who rarely gets to spend the holidays with his kiddos, reminding them that they are always at said grandparents house for Christmas and will otherwise spend the day alone. So, how is it possible to please every one? Spoiler; it's not.

Here's the thing; no matter who I choose to spend the holidays with I have to consciously choose to disappoint and hurt the others. I have to hear a line of reasons that I should choose differently and I have to deal with letting the people I love most in the world down. Everyone feels entitled to spend the time with me, as they should, but unfortunately there is not three (or more) of me to go around.

I can't blame my parents for not knowing how to handle this situation. My mom's parents, despite being divorced, made it work and spend the holidays together. She didn't have to know what it's like to be in my shoes because they decided to step up in a huge way for her. My father's parents were never separated so he never had to experience a broken Christmas. Neither of them had to fill the shoes that my brother and I have too, so I can't blame them for not understanding the position they are putting us in.

I can blame them, however, for not even trying to understand. I've tried to explain it to them but they can't see past their own feelings and entitlement. Through the tears and the cries they only seem to want to hurt each other. When did children become a bargaining chip and a means for hurting others. Don't you realize what you're putting them through in the process? Are you too blind by your own hatred and desire for revenge that you forgot that your kids are real people with real feelings?

Let me be clear, I am a 20-year-old college student. I have more freedom to say no and choose one over the other than, lets say, a seven-year-old. I have the choice to not come home at all and say forget it to all of them. As soon as that clock hit midnight on my 18th birthday I started having choice. My heart breaks for children who are too young to have some say but still have to hear the same things from their families. They must be so confused and angry at the cards they have been dealt, especially with no power over them.

How is it fair that a decision that my parents made to get divorced, ultimately causing this situation, means I get the displeasure of being the bad guy for the holidays? How is it fair that for the rest of my life I, and eventually my children, will have to make the same decisions? How is it fair that I have to have compassion for my parents in this situation when they seem to have none for me?

I am forced to face the consequences of a decision I did not make and it is not fair or fun. I am no longer excited to come home for the holidays because all I have to look forward too is another season of fighting over my time. I no longer look forward to family time on Christmas because I don't get to spend it with everybody and thats what I get to think about. Most of all, every year I am left hoping that next year will be different and losing the mental capacity to deal with it again the next year.

When will this turn into a decision that nobody gets to spend time with me? When will I decide not to come home at all and spare myself from the heartache? I hope never, because that would almost be as bad as it is now, but its so tempting to choose no one instead of one person.

Parents, I hope you are reading this and don't have to relate. I hope that you have stepped up for your kids in a huge way and learned how to deal with the holidays in a mature way. But, if you haven't, please hear my plea; CHANGE. It is hard enough for children to have to deal with this in their day-to-day life, but the holidays are an oasis, a place where it shouldn't have to spill over.

1. You will be more grateful in the end because your children will not come to hate spending time with you, rather they will cherish it.
2. You will build character by loving your enemies, especially for the sake of your children.
3. You will change other people's holidays who will witness what you are accomplishing.
4. You will teach your children that they matter to you over your hate for your ex, and that love for a common ground can conquer all.

Divorce, in today's world, is common. The hurt it brings doesn't have to be. Make your choices out of a love for your kids, not out of your own feelings for their other parent. Make your choices as an example to how you hope they treat other people.

If one person benefits from this, I will be happy. Please share with families that you know in this position. Urge them to reconsider how they are handling their situation.

I am not coming from a moral high ground but from a pawn in the game of divorce. It is not easy and I will never claim that it is. Please parents, choose the hard work for yourselves so that your kids don't have to have it. After all, they did not make the decision for you to get divorced and should not have to deal with the consequences of it. I would always rather have had an easy Christmas over the glorious "two Christmases" that are advertised as a plus of divorce.

I feel more and more like Scrooge every year, don't let your kids become like that.