When a Loved One Passes Away

It is stated in nursing homes that when it rains, the residents pass in three's. I know this all too well as I worked in Nursing Homes as a CNA. My heart always went out the the families of those who felt it was their time to go. Over time, while working with said residents, I had the pleasure of not only assisting them on a daily basis but also formed a friendship with them. When it rained and I watched as my new friends take their last breath; I felt myself overcome with sadness. Although I knew my job was never done as I had other residents to care for, but it was the loss of not being able to walk into a room and bid someone good morning or walk with them down the hall to the dining room having a short conversation as to how their night might have been.

It is with my own personal loss that I understand the grieving process the family members if the residents go through. In 2006, my dad passed away from cancer. Which was the most difficult time I went through. My dad was an HVAC Master Tech for a well known Heating & Cooling company that worked in grocery stores in Arizona. Well-respected in his field by the time he was diagnosed with cancer. In June when he passed, it was as though the world had stopped. Not only for the company in which he worked for but also for family and friends. It was amazing to see the front room of his house look like a forest of flowers sent by the company he worked for as well as friends and family. Even though I was overcome by great sadness and anger for loosing my dad, I also had warmth in my heart knowing he was well loved and respected in death as he was when he he was alive.

What we didn't know at the time is that my mother had taken my dad's passing extremely hard. Which is understandable to a point. My parents were married for 30 plus years and both coming from troubled childhoods; they understood the "school of hard knocks" so to speak. My mother did well over the next few years or at least she wasn't showing me any signs of distress. It wasn't until 2011 when I noticed she was drinking excessively and by looking through her medications she was on anti-depressants. To this day I will never know why she never spoke to me about what was going on, but I feel some comfort in the fact the she reached out to my older brother and her younger brother in her time of need.

In late 2014 I noticed a huge change in her cognition and was, at times, having to pick her up after she had fallen. Considering my brother, rightfully so with him being the oldest child, being the beneficiary I texted as well as called to inform him of what was going on, gave my two cents of what should be done than allowed him to instruct me what to do. Over time my mother became so bad and with the physician assistant being of no help whatsoever after several appointments; I finally talked my mom into going to the hospital. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. I honestly thought this was a never ending bad ride in a dream. When I finally talked my mom into going to the ER I immediately was on the phone to my brother letting him know he needed to temporarily drop his life & get to Phoenix. I was not only mentally & emotionally drained but I needed time. Time to wrap my head around what was going on and why staff at the physician's office she went to wouldn't help when I cried out for some kind of assistance. At this time I would have to say that anger hung in there during my mom's stay at the hospital, then hospice. Rather than help my mom, everyone was just letting the illness take its course and let her die rather than strive to live. This was my mother; so, of course I was going to have a strong faith and will to keep her alive rather than watch her pass away. In the end no one listened as they never did. When my brother stated it was becoming to expensive to keep my mom in the hospice facility and he was going to have her transferred home; I told him that was fine as dad promised her when her time came she would be at home where she wanted to be. My mother took her last breath at home at 11:00 am July 31st 2015; exactly where she wanted to be... HOME. Although I am still stricken with anger & sadness from the loss of my mother, I can honestly say that I kept my dad's promise by my mother being home, where she wanted to be.

Thinking my mother's death would be the end of it for awhile, my brother and I did what we needed to do per instructions of the will. He went home and I went to Illinois to see an aunt & cousin with whom I hadn't seen since I was a child. Little did I know at the time both were stricken with cancer. My cousin had been battling cancer for some time and my aunt was recently diagnosed in 2015. Rather than have the thought of "Here we go again," I simply pulled up the big girl pants and asked my aunt what I could do to help. My cousin served in the army and being a vet, his appointments were at the VA in Danville & my aunt's appointments were in Champaign-Urbana. Although it was only one time in which I took my cousin out the VA, I cherished the car ride there and back. It will never make up for the time lost, but a pleasure to know where he's been and what he's done over the years. In June of 2016 my beloved cousin had passed away. Must say though, he went out as he came in... loved by all. My auntie passed in December 2016 in Arkansas, not too long after she ad made the move to stay with her eldest son.

So much life lost in what seems to be such a short period of time. To say I don't understand would be a bad understatement. Loosing a loved one, whether you're close to them or a great lapse of time exists is the worst thing anyone has to go through. I know first hand you'll go through every emotion there is when a loved one dies. Some people handle it better than others. The best thing to do is grieve on your own terms. No one is the same, therefore, no one grieves the same. Although it's suggested it's not required; seek therapy if you feel so overwhelmed. Doesn't matter if it's a therapist or a group that meets once/twice a week. Talking and sharing with folks who share the same type of grief, "loss of a loved one," actually is beneficial.

In closing, take care of you, seek help if you need during the grieving process and remember: you are not alone. There are people who have or are going through what you are or might be right now. I know I did.