What to Say

When a young person loses a parent, it may be difficult to know what to say. From talking to Alison McWilliams, who lost her mother at age 19, we gathered some information to help guide you in the right direction of finding something to say.

Now, the loss of a parent for any aged person would be quite difficult to handle, but imagine being a teen or even a younger child who has just lost his or her mother or father. Grief is not something they are equipped to deal with on a large scale so soon in life. According to CNN, one in seven Americans lose a parent before the age of 20.

When faced with this situation, it is important for people to be aware of what they are saying. The wrong thing could trigger the young person because he or she is fragile after the loss of a parent. The right thing could help them process the situation and express their thoughts.

When speaking to a young person in this situation, it is good to let them also have a chance to speak to you. Being aware that the grieving person has probably heard the same things endless amounts of times, McWilliams suggests that instead of just saying “sorry,” “ask how they are doing and if there is anything they need like emotional support.” Giving them a chance to speak their minds is also an opportunity to help them heal. Getting these intense personal thoughts off their chest relieves some of the weight of the situation.

When encountering a grieving young person in a situation such as a viewing or funeral, he or she is in a very delicate state of mind. Don’t try to say things like, “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my mom,” McWilliams said. This is because the attention needs to be on the grieving young person, not on you. It should also be noted that these young people don’t know what they’re going to do either. It isn’t like they were calculating losing their parent this soon. Alison commented that, “as a 19-year-old, you don’t have a ‘what if my mom dies tomorrow’ plan.”

It’s also helpful to sometimes decide to not talk about the situation at all. “For me it helped to be around people who didn’t know the situation fully, just to have a break from people who I felt were just feeling sorry for me,” Alison explained.

Asking grieving teens if they want to grab coffee or food just to give them a break is a great idea. If while out they decide to bring it up, just listen and comfort them the best you can. Young children could use a break, too. It would be nice to ask the parent if you could take their child out for ice cream or something fun. This would not only give the child a break, but also the parent who is dealing with their own grief.

When asked what the ultimate piece of advice Alison would give to a young person grieving, she said, “I feel like I would want someone to tell me that, despite everything that’s going on, eventually everything is going to be OK again. There’s always going to be something missing in your life, especially for the big moments, but you should always remember that the person you lost is going to be proud of you no matter what you do or how you do it. And to just learn to lean on other people the way you leaned on that person.” McWilliams has a deep understanding of the sense of loss a young person goes through. She wants people to know that handling a young person dealing with grief is not easy, but if you listen well enough it is easy to find the right thing to say.

Kids will feel confused as well. As McWilliams mentioned, there will always be something missing. Depending on the age, kids will wonder about big life events such as graduating, getting married, or having kids. They will wonder how life will possibly go on without this person in their life. These kids need to be reassured that it will work out and their loved one will be with them through those times, even though they are not physically there.

Young people who have lost a parent need a good support system surrounding them. They need endless comfort and reassurance to help them get through this tragic situation. Having not gone though it yourself could mean you’re unsure of how to face this. But with compassion, listening, and a basic understanding of their feelings, you can be able to help a young person grieve.