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What Is Noble?

Living with the choices

By Face ShotUPublished 5 years ago 7 min read
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Okay, so not sure where to start. But I guess this is a story of determination. The story of love, sadness, and the story of nobility. It all starts at the birth of a child. You see in my community, the black community, fathers aren't very prevalent, or visible I should say. I did not want to become that statistic. I only have one child, a girl, she is now seven. I had my first child and only child when I was 30. I took that long because I felt that I wanted to be able to be the best parent my child could ever have. And I'm sure many parents feel the same. I, on the other hand, was raised only by my father. A little bit by my mother, who was there for a time when I was younger. At the age of seven I was sent to my father. I stayed with my father until my mother passed when I turn 16. My oldest brother however was able to stay with mom. And of course I got visits every now and then every summer to my mother prior to her passing. I was never told that she had cancer I was just told that she died. My only comfort at the time when I receive that information was my best friend and my Nintendo. Can I say father was a comfort? Not necessarily. As a child and at that age I held it against him the reason why I was not around my mother before she passed. But I know that's not fair but I was a child then. But that's neither here nor there.

I'm now in my 30s and I have a seven year old daughter you can do the math. Since my daughter has been born I've done my best to be in her life and to be a changing factor in her development a positive beacon. Her mother on the other hand seemed bent to keep my daughter away from me. Now in our day and time why would a mother want to do that? Well, you see, at that time her mother was very unstable and had fears of me taking my daughter or taking custody of her at such a very young age. That has never been my intention. I've always wanted my daughter to have two parents. And ideally two parents that were together. That seems like an impossible feat. Though seeming impossible I had to at least try for my daughters sake. I felt I was doing the right and noble thing by marrying my daughter's mother when she was only three months old. The marriage only lasted eight months. She eventually abandoned the marriage left me stranded in the state that I had no clue where to go and I knew no one. During her abandonment of the marriage she ended up having another child with someone else while still being married to me. Of course this was grounds for divorce but that is later down the line.

Ever since that time I have moved constantly, trying to re-stabilize myself. Being in that relationship damaged not only my mentality but also my child most importantly. The mother had two other children with someone else so in total she had three. But out of all of the father's I was the most prevalent one the most determined to make sure that I am not another statistic sitting in the wind leaving their child to rot. I scoffed at the fact that this woman this individual was actually trying her best to put me in that category. And I allowed her to succeed but not willingly. It seems like every time I try to become close to my daughter and I get close to her mother my life turns up in shambles. And it's not because of the child, no, it is because the mother has a controlling aura about her.

I realized late in life that her life revolves around fear, fear of what may happen if, and by her living that life style damaged any kind of relationship that would try to be built. She would always worry about this or worried about that, never moving by faith and always moving by sight. I would try to get her to see that fear is nothing more than emotion created by her own mind and show her that faith and anything and everything is real. But her insecurities were too strong so I inevitably was pushed away each and every time I tried to get close. I'm not sure where I'm going with this I just know that I love my daughter I love her with all of my heart and all of my life and I wouldn't be here if she weren't here.

I have now given up most of my life as an adult in chasing this, this dream of being a happy family, this mirage of being able to coexist as two parents and raise children. As I persisted to be in my child's life I eventually grew to love the other children and show them unconditional love as I did my daughter. I even considered all of the children mine, even though I've only had one. Over time they've considered me as dad or their father. This makes me happy but, the fear that their mother has sometimes drives a wedge between that reality and the made-up reality from the fear brewing inside of the mothers brain. But like I said, this doesn't stop me from loving them as my own. We live in a day and age where most mothers are single mothers, especially in our community, the black community. Many women would kill to have at least one of their fathers to be a prevalent force in their child's life. Strike that in their childrens' life. You see the way fear works is it dominates the mind and any logical reasoning and ultimately brings the individual back to square one.

So fast forwarding, I got a divorce, my daughter's mother remarried, their marriage has been going on for maybe a year-and-a-half, but there have been issues. Over my absence of not being there the mother has softened her heart and opened her mind just a little bit, enough to let me in and know the information of what's going on where my children reside. At this time my only question is where are my children during this time? She lies and tells me they were either at school or not around, but see over time I've learned that the oldest child a boy who's now 12 has been around for most of it. He witnesses the arguments and the fights first-hand, and builds up hatred toward the husband. Not only is this bad, but on another note the husband is a Caucasian man so this puts a twist on a lot of things going on in the house. I was told that my daughter wasn't around for most of the fights, but she was around for some of them. So this caused me concern. The fights got so bad at one point that the husband begins to threaten to kill himself. My children are around and they are listening to this nonsense. At this time I am in Atlanta Georgia. I am working two jobs, and I am also an actor, active in plays and movies. So that causes an alarm to spark in my brain. But I let it slide and in future meetings plan on having a good conversation with this individual. But low and behold before I could even make that step I get another call about the husband threatening to kill the mother of my children, my children, and himself. You could imagine how shocked confused and hurt I was at hearing such hatred. I had to make a conscious decision. Go to where they are, rectify the situation and make sure that this does not come to pass or stay where I am continue to do what I am doing, and pray and hope that this does not come to pass.

What would you do? What do you think other men in my class and in my culture would do? Well I did the unthinkable I dropped everything and went to support my children. Am I wrong for doing that? Because now it seems that my situation here has boar more destruction than fruitful. I went to save my children with the idea of saving my family. I came out with my family but lost everything that was me. my life and what I've built and what I've become I gave it all up to save my children. Am I wrong for choosing that direction? I used the money that I had saved, and the money that I had earned to move them away from danger. I bought them a house and brought them closer to where I wanted to be, and I thought was a safe place. They have family members here they have new friends new environment and most importantly they have their father. But in that heroic and noble moment I lost everything from car to job to career, and so this brings me here speaking to you. If I had a time machine I would go back in time and tell myself to stay put, but would that be the right choice? I've gained my family my children my only first born and in return lose everything or did I really lose?

divorced
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