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What Am I Doing?

Being Lost but Trying to be Okay with It...

By Taylor JoosPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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So here I am, twenty-one years old, happily married, happily awaiting the birth of my first child due in just a few months. And I'm scared...

Why Am I Scared?

It's not what you think. I had a miscarriage previously. This baby was planned and very much wanted. But why am I scared? I'm not scared of being responsible for another life. I'm not really scared of birth: I mean, it's what my body is made for. I'm not really scared of being a mom. I know I won't be perfect, but I know my child will always know I care. I spent so much time tracking periods, going to the OB to be cleared to "try again" after the miscarriage. I spent hours of ovulation testing. Waiting to see a flashing smile on my ovulation predictor to know it's game time. Then when we conceived, I spent hours on end having blood work. "Did the numbers double on schedule (to show a viable pregnancy)?" "Are those numbers too low?" "Is my body doing this properly?" "Was the first pregnancy a trial run or is this my life now?"This helped me cope with the loss; being distracted with trying again. But now that I'm over halfway complete with the pregnancy, I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel after panic attacks, extreme anxiety and even so much as buying my own doppler to listen to the baby heart rate, before she was big enough to kick. I didn't realize something...how I'll make the world look like a good place when I see it in such an awful light. How will I hide the struggle of being a full-time employee while being a mom? How will I paint the world to be this magical place of opportunity for anyone willing to put in the effort when I don't even believe that myself? How will I raise a happy baby, a smart child, but then both an aware AND optimistic adult? I can tell her to try her hardest and it'll all pay off, but what about when she realizes the good guy doesn't always win, nice guys sometimes finish last, and sometimes the bad things that happen in your life really aren't your fault?

My Knight in Shining Armour

My husband doesn't plan for the worst. He doesn't have safety nets. He takes risks and doesn't look back on his life's regrets. He bleeds red, white, and blue despite all the insane things going on in the world and in our current governmental state. He's my opposite. I pay the bills, he tells me it's okay to pay a bill a day late.

Why Am I Telling You This?

I don't think I'll be the best mother. I won't be a "helicopter mom," but I won't be a carefree mom either. I won't always know what I'm doing. However, I'm starting to trust myself. I am young, but I have learned the ways of complicated things like my maternity leave, FMLA, birth methods, the ins-and-outs of hormone levels that told me if our pregnancy was viable or not. I've done and learned things I never thought I could. Have I failed before? Yes. Have I struggled and asked for advice? Yes. Did my parents have any clue what they were doing in their teens when I came along and did I turn out "okay"? Yes. So I'm realizing that I'm going to fail and struggle and probably be too honest with my daughter when she asks me about politics, war, or my true view on premarital sex, but I promise I will always try to be honest. I won't shelter her and I won't allow myself to regret that decision, if she learns something terrible about the world. But I will be sure that she sees me lost sometimes, but that I always find my way back. That she will struggle and fail but that she can always find a reason to get back up, because let's be honest, somehow I have. Some days her and her father are the only reason I get back up, but sometimes I get back up for me.

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