Watching Your Baby Grow Up Without You

I want to start off with saying I wasn't forced into this decision. It is my choice and the best one I could've made. I was 19-years-old when I found out I was pregnant, and 20 when I gave birth to him. The father and I were going through some tough times as it was, and adding a baby into the mix definitely was not our plan. We sat down and talked about what we were going to do and the original plan was abortion. As we were sitting in the clinic waiting for the doctor, I came the realization I couldn't do it. This baby deserves to have a life. He told me about the wonderful woman he worked with and we started setting up the plan to adopt out my baby to her and her husband, and it is the best choice I could have ever made.

I did everything I was supposed to to make sure this pregnancy was going to go okay, and I kept the adoptive parents updated after every appointment. Then the morning of October 4, 2018 came. I started having contractions at 4 AM and finally gave birth to a handsome and healthy baby boy at 12:50 PM. I chose to hold him first. Carrying him for almost 10 months and feeling every kick and hiccup, I felt I had the right to do so. I asked the adoptive parents to come into the room and meet their new baby. As soon as they stepped in, everyone was overflowing with emotions. I have never seen anyone so happy in my life, and it made me happy knowing I could do that for them.

Fast forward to now, baby is over a month old, and court is soon to finalize the adoption. Emotions are starting to settle in that I really am giving up my parental rights to this beautiful thing I carried inside me. I will admit I am having a hard time coping with it, but after weighing the pros and cons I know in my heart this is the best thing for the baby. I don't want to raise him in a broken home. I want him to have everything he needs and I know he has that with his new family. I keep in contact with his parents. After all, it is an open adoption. I understand I will still be a part of his life as he grows, but it is still hard knowing I won't be the one teaching him everything he needs to know about life. I won't be his parent. I am watching h imgrow up through pictures. I'm not there to see new milestones and it breaks my heart. I guess my biggest fear is one day when he is older he will hate me for what I've done. I try my best every time I see him to let him know I love him, and what I did he will thank me for in the future. I want him to know it wasn't for me. It was all for him to have a better life.

I love my baby more than anything in this world, and that is why I am watching him grow up from afar and letting him have the best life I couldn't have given him.