Viable Heartbeats

It was January, I had made big decisions about my life. Enrolled in roller derby camp, decided not to have kids, stop seeing my "boyfriend", and work on doing better at work. It was new beginings and things were rolling along.

January 23rd, 2010. This is the day my world changed. The day my friend called me because she was scared. Her IUD had slipped and she thought she may be pregnant. I put on my work uniform, grabbed my pack, and headed her way.

When I arrived she was in tears and knew she had to take a pregnancy test. She asked me to take one with her, mine was on the left hers on the right. We drank coffee while we waited; I wasn't concerned because I was religious about taking my birth control.

The timer sounded and we went to check the tests, the right one was negative, and the left one, mine, was positive. I felt that surely this wasn't accurate and put aside my panic. I gave her a hug and left for the carpool to work.

I was a graveyard worker and just made it to the station to meet my carpool. I climbed in, buckled up, and pulled out my phone. I pulled my text convo with Currie up and sent a simple 3 word text, "I am fucked".

Over my lunch break at 1:00 am, I spilled the news and cried in the back of the airport Starbucks where Currie worked. She was calm and level headed and told me she would support me whatever my decision was. But first I needed to confirm it at the doctors.

At 7:00 am when the lab opened I was there. I was sent up to my doctor. She wasn't available so I saw a little old man doctor who was filling in. I hadn't missed my period, why had I taken a test, was I trying to get pregnant?

His blatant disbelief was trumped when he called in a nurse to confirm that taking a pregnancy test to support a friend was something women actually did. She looked startled and replied, "yep".

This started a cycle of denial. I didn't cancel my derby camp, I drank coffee, I worked on the tarmac. I started to have cramping within a week, spotting, and back pain. I went to the urgent care after 2 weeks and was examined. I was put on an IV. The words ectopic pregnancy were tossed around. But there was an issue with my hormone levels. After a saline drip I was sent home with an appointment for an urgent ultrasound.

3 days. 3 of the longest days. I came to terms with losing a baby I hadn't wanted. I canceled my derby camp. And kept solitary council on what was going on. I didn't tell the dad, there was no point if there wasn't any decision to be made.

I went to the ultrasound department and waited for my turn. I put the lovely and breezy hospital gown on and went to exam room 3. I laid down on my back and the tech got to work. She talked her way through the exam and then stopped. She excused herself and was gone for about 30 minutes. She started talking about how she had to show the doctor the ultrasound before talking to me. And then she said, "Good news it's not an ectopic pregnancy! There are 2 gestational sacs and in 2 weeks we can confirm; but it looks like it's twins!"

I rode the elevator down to my car. I cried, and the only other person in the elevator pulled me into a hug. She was in full hijab, and told me that it would work out.

Then I went home.

I went to the OB/GYN and he told me that if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy I would have to wait. They had to confirm twins or not. They did this by checking for heartbeats. Heartbeats.

I waited 2 more weeks and went in for another ultrasound and a doppler scan. Two heartbeats were located by doppler. Then they pulled in a small ultrasound machine. He pointed to baby a and commented that the baby had the hiccups. And baby b was an acrobat.

And again I found myself in the elevator crying.

I told the dad. He asked me to terminate, see his best friend was pregnant too, and it was his. I left.

I thought about it endlessly. It was one thing when I didn't have to make the decision. But now I did. I have always been pro-choice and I had no idea how hard this decision could be. Now I did.

Two jellybeans with hiccups and doing somersaults. Two jellybeans with viable heartbeats. Two jellybeans that were born at 6 lbs 3 1/2 ounces a piece.