Ugly Truth Behind Motherhood

Let me start off by saying I am the best mother I can be to my son and I love him more than he'll ever know. I wanted to clarify for those of you who may get the wrong impression at first glance. Either way, let's get down to the point. No one wants to admit the ugly side of motherhood but someone needs to. You'd only understand if you're a mom yourself. Let's talk about the sleep deprivation, lack of nutrients, lack of proper care, lack of showers or proper showers, lack of a social life, etc. The list goes on and on. No one gets how hard it is for us with the baby alone, not to mention the rest that lies beneath being a mother. We are slowly suffering from missing out on our lives, but we are okay with it as we have a huge responsibility now. We have created a precious life and we're doing everything in our power to raise and take care of our children. I know every mother's experience is different, but no matter the situation, it is HARD.

From my personal experience, I am a stay-at-home mother as my fiance goes to work and provides for us and I still have an incredibly difficult time with being here all day every day with my son. I couldn't even begin to imagine the way mothers feel without any help. If you're a mother, period, then you know what I mean when I say, "They just don't get it!"

It starts with the sleep deprivation. Newborns tend to sleep on a 2&2 schedule. They sleep for two hours and wake up for two hours wanting to eat or look around the new world they've just entered into. As new mothers, we're too stuck in shock to realize just how badly we need sleep, showers, and food in the beginning. We forget to take care of ourselves as we're so tied up in taking care of our children. Eventually, reality starts to hit us. We realize how much of our time is consumed by the little ones and that we've completely missed out on the day, the meals, the hot shower, etc. Again, we're doing our all for them and still wouldn't change a thing, but it's the fact no one understands us when we cry out for help. No matter our form of reaching out for help, when they don't pick up on how desperate we are for a two-minute break, a five-minute shower, three seconds to at least eat, the depression starts to slowly set in.

In my situation I held off on telling my fiance why I was stressed out, depressed, and losing it. I kept it all bottled in because I know he is the one getting up each day to head off to work to provide for me and our son. I didn't want to burden him with my struggles. I didn't want him to start resenting me. He'd be so frustrated with me once he just got off and I asked him to hold the baby for a second. I thought he'd hate me for bothering him after he just had a long night at work so I stayed quiet. This is another issue some new mothers have. Not realizing it is OKAY to ask your partner for help. Remember, it took both of you to have this child. It takes both of you to raise a baby as well. So, out of kindness and fear of losing him to frustration after work, I kept my mouth shut. Finally, I lost it.

I didn't realize the amount of stress I laid upon myself until I exploded on my fiance. I cried my eyes out as I explained to him I can no longer do this part alone. You have to help me, I said. I explained to him how I tried to allow him as much free time as possible but I need a BREAK before going completely insane. I told him I can't properly shower. I can't eat a meal in one sitting (this one is tricky, I still struggle to complete this task). I can't breathe for two minutes without constantly holding or watching our son. I told him I am losing my mind with the fact that I was watching him have the availability to be free and hop in his car as he pleases and leave the house and head to a job or the store as I sit here and can't even get five minutes to myself and it was driving me insane. Try being a new mother who is peed and pooped on and vomited on and can't even get a decent shower in for at least another 24-48 hours. It's hard finding the right time for when the baby will be fed and calm for the fiance or asleep long enough so that we can get a second to get an actual decent shower.

Don't even get me started on moms in the shower. Must be a mother thing, but every single time we have water running in the bathroom, we can hear our babies cry even if they're not. It's our baby's specific cry, too. Not just any cry, our baby's cry. The paranoia kicks in, the anxiety shoots up, the depression settles in, and we have to put a brave face on and forget about it as we pretend to be so happy so that way we can properly take care of our babies and not upset them. I've never felt more isolated than I have here as a stay-at-home mother. Don't get me wrong, as I said in the beginning, I love my son and I will continue to do any and everything I can for him as I have been since day one. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Other than letting my fiance fully understand how hard it is for us. It's almost as if nothing has changed for them. Their body stays the same. Their sleeping schedule stays the same. Their daily routine stays the same. Not us. Not for new mommys. It's all changed and change can be a hard thing in general.

Imagine your entire life flipping upside down in one day—doesn't matter how long we've been pregnant and expecting this. As a first time mother, we never knew what to expect. I've tried numerous times explaining to my fiance how I feel trapped and like I've been suffocating, stuck in my head all alone as I watch him continue to do as he pleases. I don't get free time. I don't get time to myself. And the few minutes of the entire 24 hour day that I do, it's spent trying to shower or catch up on sleep, etc. I could go on and on about this, but I probably wouldn't come to an end. I guess my point is to other mothers, you're not alone. I get it. We're out here struggling with you. We will all be okay. We're going to make it through and always remember to be the best mother you can possibly be. Never give up. You're doing an amazing job!