Two Homes Are Better Than None

If you’d have told me 10 years ago that I’d enter my journey into motherhood unmarried and barely out of college, I’d have laughed. It’s easy to watch movies or shows and see how awful it seems. Mom and dad fighting for time, trying to be the better parent, and at each other’s throats about money, just to name a few of the complications. Let me explain the way my sons dad and I have kept the peace his entire life without stressing each other out.

The end of a love story.

Ending a relationship when children are involved can be scary. Sad too, most of time due to thinking of your child’s inability to see a long standing romantic relationship between their parents. You somehow prematurely blame yourself for their failed relationships in the future. This doesn’t have to be the case. The end doesn’t have to be messy, no matter how messy the break up was. Appreciate the fact that at one point you and your ex partner cared about each other. You created someone wonderful together, and although romantic feelings are out the window (or not in some cases) that doesn’t mean respect for the person has to go along with them. RESPECT. I can’t emphasize that enough. Focus on that for the remainder of time and see how different your coparenting relationship will be.

Next Step

It’s important after the end of a relationship to establish a routine that is comfortable for you and the father of your child. Whether you decide to go through the court system or not, a written plan is important for the both of you and mostly for your child. Answer difficult questions: Who has the ability to be the custodial parent? How will important decisions be made regarding your child’s health? What will the average day/week look like for your child? These along with several other questions will be important to answer as soon as possible. Child Support. This was the most uncomfortable part of the process for me. I’ve always been very independent and stubborn about keeping myself that way. I hate asking for help. But caring for a child is expensive! The awkward conversation regarding money and the amount that the non-custodial parent will pay is one that should be respectfully talked about. I knew my sons dad didn’t make a million dollars. So when the time came I asked for the lowest amount I could comfortably get by on and it’s stayed the same for 5 years. I nor my sons dad are struggling financially and when you have that, you check off one more potential stress box on the long list of Co parenting struggles!

Communication

Once a plan is established, follow through. Try your best to hold true to the routine. Breaking it can make things sticky, but we all know stuff comes up unexpectedly. It’s important to be as flexible as possible, so having a plan b through z in place is helpful. Make sure you’re on top of things when it comes to who is picking your child up, who is dropping them off, and where you’ll be meeting (if the child isn’t being picked up and dropped off at home).

Build your village.

You really think I still have hair on my head from raising a tiny human completely alone?! I know some do it (mad kudos!) but not this momma bear. Like I said earlier, I hate asking for help. But put your pride aside in this case darlin because like it or not you’ve got to work for a living. Yes, unfortunately that means leaving your little to make some money to take care of him/her. If you’re anything like me the thought of daycare horrifies you. It’s hard to ensure your little one is being well taken care of and not plopped into a crib somewhere in a corner screaming their head off for 8 1/2 hours. My sons dad and I are so blessed to have our parents close by, but if you don’t have family around there are other things you can do to build your village such as joining a mom (or dad) group on Facebook. There are PLENTY of stay at home moms looking for opportunities, not only for a little extra income but also for other kids to socialize with their own! And sometimes if a true friendship blossoms, payment won’t be necessary. Apps like Peanut or the site Care.com are a couple of options in finding help!

Don’t stop living your life.

Ever hear of the saying “if you can’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you?” This is also true in coparenting. If you aren’t taking time out for yourself you create pressure, on yourself and on your parenting partner and this is not good for anyone! During the times when your child is with your partner, don’t just work all day and night. Give yourself a time out, plan something fun, take advantage of some alone time away from your child. Again, there not be such a thing as a concrete plan (welcome to parenthood!) but try your best to get back out there!

Keep doing things together.

This may be a bit awkward for some. But the emphasis on family is important to my sons dad and I. Whether it’s going to the park together once a month or grabbing ice cream on a sunny summer day, doing things together shows your child that you collectively care about them. If you’re worried about it confusing your child, don’t. They will put the pieces together for themselves. As long as you set clear boundaries, and emphasize that your child is both of your main priority, they will only see their two favorite people enjoying a moment with them. This also gives you and your parenting partner an opportunity to talk about the amazing human being you created and share funny stories about them. No matter what or who comes along, there is just something special in talking about your child with the person who knows them just as much as you do.

Control your mind and feelings.

There will come a time when you or your parenting partner moves forward in their romantic endeavors. This can throw off the routine you had set, change boundaries and challenge motives. When that parent was once available at all times, their attention is now elsewhere. This is completely fine and should be expected. What you don’t want to happen is allow your mind to fall down the rabbit hole of what if’s. What if they try to take my place? What if my child likes that person better? What if they try to challenge the way I parent my child? Be confident in your parenting skills and the foundation that has been set with your partner. If odd feelings begin to surface be sure to remind yourself that this arrangement is not about you or them. It’s about your child. As long as they are healthy and comfortable that is all that matters. If you notice a change in your partner, communicate your concern in the least intrusive way possible.

Coparenting isn’t the same for everyone. It takes a level of maturity, understanding, and respect to get through it in a positive and peaceful way. No matter what you will experience some frustrating times, as we’re only human. There will be times of miscommunication and misunderstanding, but that happens in any and all forms of relationships! Keep your eyes on the prize, which is the mind and health of your child and things will fall into place!