Trying for My Rainbow Baby

Getting pregnant is supposed to be a joyous moment. You celebrate bringing a new life into the world. But there are worries for some women during the entire pregnancy. Will I miscarry again? Will my body be able to handle this pregnancy? Will my baby be okay?

The Backstory

I have wanted to be a mother ever since I was a child. Well, as a child I didn’t really know what it meant to be a real mother, I would play pretend with my dolls. My mom always said, “Sara, you are going to make a great mother someday." I assume by that I was great with my dolls! As I got older I began to babysit cousins of mine; everyone always mentioned how well of a job I did with them. I have always loved children of all ages, they just bring so much joy to my life, honestly all problems I have at that time are gone away with the sound of that child laughing. The laughter of a child is contagious.

Child Bearing Years

I met a guy in 2004, I was only about 15 years old at the time we met. He was only a few years older than I was. We started dating and things were great! Finally, after seven long years, he had proposed to me. We were to be married in July 2012. June 2012 I started to experience a great deal of pain; I started bleeding heavy clots. This WAS not my period. My period was late but I didn’t think anything of it because around that age my period was always a little off. I called my mom (I had lived almost an hour from my family) and I told her what was going on. She suggested I come home (to my hometown) and see my gynecologist. My mom had come with me because I was young and afraid of what he might have to say. He did a routine checkup and felt around my cervix and uterus. He looked up at me with a look of sadness. “I’m sorry, Sara, but it looks as though you were pregnant but had a miscarriage.” He said my uterus had expanded just a little and I was maybe only 2-3 weeks. He sent me for an internal ultrasound. That was so traumatizing for me to go through all of that so quickly. The ultrasound did declare I had a miscarriage of three weeks. I was so devastated as I wanted to be a mother so badly. My fiancé and I at that time were trying to conceive for a little over a year with no luck. I always think that maybe if I had taken a test and knew I was pregnant maybe I could have prevented what happened. My fiancé and I had gotten married 1 month after I miscarried. In November, 2012, we started to have issues. He wasn’t coming home after work, he was never home on the weekends, he wouldn’t answer his calls or texts. I knew something was going on; I suspected he was cheating, all the signs were evident. We separated January 2013 and divorced in July 2013, exactly one year after we had gotten married. I later found out that he was cheating on me while I was going through my miscarriage and grieving, he was cheating while we got married. He ended up getting the other women pregnant. Her baby survived.

A New Life

In 2013, shortly after my ex and I had divorced, I met the most perfect man. We were friends while I was with my ex husband; he was a mutual friend of my ex's best friend. We started to date, we bought a house, we got engaged and got married in 2015. Everything was so perfect! We decided to start trying for a baby. I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2014 and we knew our chances for getting pregnant were going to be very hard. After we got married and settled into our life together as husband and wife, we started to try for a baby. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. We had gone to see a fertility specialist and he ordered all different kinds of tests for us both. In March, days before I scheduled the tests, my period was 2 days late. This time I knew to be safe and take a test. I took the test and there they were, two beautiful bright pink lines that I have been waiting so long to see. I couldn’t believe it, I felt so many different emotions. I showed it to my husband and he was just as surprised as I was. We told our family and close friends. We had an appointment scheduled for May to have our first ultrasound and hear our baby's heartbeat. I never got to see my baby or hear his or her heartbeat.

Praying for My Rainbow

In April, actually very early Easter morning, my husband rushed me to the ER. I had severe cramping and heavy bleeding, it felt like I was in labor. I have never been in labor but I have heard what it feels like and what happens during, and that’s exactly what I was experiencing. I felt like what were contractions every eight minutes. I was in so much pain that they were able to bring me back immediately. They did an ultrasound. The doctor had come back to where my husband and I were. “I’m sorry, but there was no heartbeat detected on the ultrasound.” My baby was gone. Gone at a short eight weeks. The worst feeling ever just hit me so hard. I cried for days. I was so angry that God would give me such a gift only to take it away so quickly. I never even got to see my baby, hear his heartbeat, kiss his cheek, hold him tight, or sing him goodnight. My life was falling apart. About one month after, I had some alarming bleeding and cramping again; I got sick to my stomach because I felt that pain before. The doctor confirmed it was another miscarriage. I was two weeks.

My husband and I have been trying to get through it. It will be one year since I found out I was pregnant on March 27, and 1 year since my miscarriage April 16. We started trying to conceive once my menstrual cycle was back to normal; it has been another long and tiring year. So many ups and downs, so many tears, so many negative tests. Doctors say there is nothing wrong, it’s just taking longer than most women. But I don’t believe a word they say. I have had three miscarriages and I have multiple diagnoses of health issues and mental health also. Something is causing me to miscarry. I’m hoping that with the help of other doctors and research I will soon have my rainbow baby.

RIP Skyler Avery Carr 👼