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To the People Who Keep Telling Me to Stop Buying Clothes for My Rainbow Baby

A piece by cheyenne

By shiney poetryPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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To the people that keep telling me to stop buying clothes for my rainbow baby because I don't know what I am going to get at the baby shower or so you can buy clothes for him, please stop.

I understand that he is going to get baby clothes and things at the baby shower, and I understand that you and other people want to buy stuff for me, and me buying stuff shouldn't stop you, but please understand I never thought this day was going to come for me.

You see, my husband and I tried since we got married and that was three, almost four years ago, after six months to a year of trying with no luck it would of been time to see a doctor to understand why nothing was happening.

But I was scared to hear what the doctor had to say, scared to hear that I would never be a mom, but then it happened last year in November. We found out I was pregnant, we were overjoyed and so happy and already looking at things, until the doctor told me with no emotion in his eyes and in his voice that I was going to lose my baby.

My world was on pause, walking by the baby clothes part of the stores wondering if I would ever be able to step foot over there and not just dream, it was like being on the outside looking in at the world, seeing everyone moving on with their lives while I was just waiting for the day my baby was going to be gone from the world, was going to be gone from me and then the wait was over.

In December I lost my baby, I had to grieve the lost of a person I never got to meet, to grieve the lost of moments I am never going to see, a future I am never going to be apart of and again my world stood still.

Everyone's life was moving forward, moving on, and I was stuck. Stuck with my thoughts, stuck with my emotions, stuck thinking this is a sign that it was really never going to happen for me.

I cried, I screamed, I cussed, I asked God why, I fought God, I prayed to him, I hoped, I dreamed, I wondered, and then one day it happened again. I got a positive pregnancy test and I was excited and so scared. I didn't want to tell anyone, just to get their hopes to watch them come crashing down if it happened again.

And then I saw the flutter of his little heart at six weeks and then heard his heart beat for the first time a few weeks after that, but I was still nervous to tell anyone, but we finally did and in that moment it was real. My world felt like it was slowly moving again, seeing a whole new world, a whole new future and with every doctors appointment I became more and more confident with him making it to full term, and when we found out he was a boy our world was made again.

I was finally able to look at the clothes and things for him, it was finally a moment I could enjoy, and when I brought his first piece of clothes it finally felt real, it finally it felt like it was okay to finally be excited and happy and calm.

I know to some its just a piece of clothing, but to me it was something I could finally do that I thought I was never going to be able to do, a part of my life that I thought I was never going to be able to see. So unless you have been in my shoes you'll never understand how big of a deal this is for me, what kind of mile stone this is for me. So if I am buying clothes and things for my child, please let me be because until you understand what its like to gain a moment just to lose a lifetime, and then to gain a whole lifetime just to worry about every moment you will never see how much this means to me.

Thank you for reading, I just want people to understand that pregnancy after a miscarriage is not easy mentally. and it's the little things like buying clothes that make it seem so much more real and so much more exciting, and unless you have been though it you'll never understand but please be patient with me and let do things for my kid.

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About the Creator

shiney poetry

Hey guys I'm Cheyenne and I'm a inspiring writer and photographer. Between the Chaos and the peace is where you'll find me. can follow me on Instagram: @shiney.poetry

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