To the Grandmother I Never Knew...

You didn't know me, and I didn't know you. We were merely strangers that shared DNA. The saying blood runs deep is both true and yet, a lie. You see, I will never live without you, even though I did live without you. I will never forget you, though from day to day, you were like a whisper rather than an actual presence in my life.

I grew up with one memory of you: your hatred for myself because I was my mother's child. You didn't care to get to know my mother or myself, and it always seemed like you had better things to do than get to know us.

It's a strange feeling saying 'goodbye' to someone who never picked up the phone to say 'hello' in the first place. Who stalked my Facebook on numerous occasions, but never messaged me. Who constantly reminded me, I was not her favourite, as if I was on her list of 'peoples' in the first place. I know she was not on mine.

Yet, she crept into my life in ways I would never comprehend, intangible and invisible ways. I grew up with a deep hatred for myself, because someone whom I was supposed to be loved by unconditionally, had a hatred for me. I was merely three years old when you decided that I was to learn the lesson that I am 'unimportant'.

I will never forget this day, as it's burned in my memory, though it is fading now that you left this Earth. We came over for a Christmas celebration with you and the family. My three brothers and mother and father, all packed up to see you in your small home. Grandfather hadn't passed yet. We all sat as you scolded us for not eating our Brussels sprouts and said that no one would have a candy cane off the tree until our plates were emptied. We sat there, and stared at the sprouts. We were desperately hoping that time would dissolve them, or your need for superiority.

Yet, you let our cousins go get candy canes when they had not eaten all their sprouts. When we thought we certainly could do the same, you scolded us further. Reminded us that we were different from our cousins. We weren't your favourites. At three, I didn't understand that your hatred was misplaced. My brothers were older, and my youngest brother was too young to comprehend what was occurring. No one really felt the weight of what happened like I had.

After forcing myself to eat, now cold, sprouts, I had sat on the couch and cried to myself. My grandfather had noticed and come to cheer me up. He asked me which candy cane I would like. Of course, a three-year-old child would pick the ornamental one--the biggest at the top of the tree. He picked me up and let me grab that one, and then he told me, "You are special no matter what anyone says."

I will never forget this moment, because it was a moment that divided your hatred and his love for me. A moment that cemented the idea of bad and good people for a three-year-old girl.

So, this week as I learned of your passing, I felt numb. I was not upset you left this Earth, nor was I content. Instead, I was neutral. You were a stranger. You did not speak to us year after year when my father had finally told you where to go. You had ignored our presence on this Earth for many years.

As a courtesy, I invited you to our wedding, where you came and witnessed I was grown and in love. You witnessed the many friends and family I had that didn't include you. You witnessed how people from the community came and set up our wedding because I AM LOVED. Just not by you.

But after our wedding, we didn't hear from you again for a long while. Other than a very nasty comment on one of my mother's Facebook posts, we didn't hear anything from you... Then after that, you asked to see my children. And I didn't oblige you. I did not want you to know my children — you didn't even know me!

I was keeping my children safe from your manipulation and hurtful remarks. I was keeping them from realizing that family isn't always kind or loving. Because at 3, my son does not need the harsh lesson I learned — that some people are cold, bitter and unkind.

So, this week, when you passed. I felt nothing. You ingrained a terrible sense of self-hatred and self-esteem issues. You told me I was unwelcomed by my own blood. I sat there neither happy nor sad when I heard the news, and I continued about my day. Because, Pat, you never were there when you walked this Earth, so you can remain that way now. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of my life, ignore yours.

Though this feeling of numb makes an odd departure for a family member, it is exactly what you deserve.