To My Father

To My Father,

I am currently writing this in my bed thinking about how to make everything better. I have done everything I can possibly think of doing. I have tried to help you, to help me, and to help everyone else in this situation. I really believe I have hit a point in my life which I can no longer take anymore. I meant every word I said in the car the other night. You probably do not remember our conversation. I am so upset with you and your actions that I simply do not feel anything at all. Mom has done everything for Brody, Ally, and I. Everyone has tried their best to shield Brody from what is really going on. One day eventually he will find out or even figure it out on his own. I understand you are an alcoholic. But you have not been there for me as much as Mom, Ally, and even my grandparents have been. You can't take back what we never had. I can be manipulated only so many times before even "I Love You" starts to lose meaning. Don't you remember that I'm your baby girl? You lied to your flesh and your blood. I dream of another you, the one who would never think about doing what you have done. I have always wished you the best. I prayed for your peace. Even if you started this, this whole war in me, maybe someday when I look back I'll be able to say you didn't mean to be this way. I used to think I was so lucky. That I had the best parents in the whole wide world. Then I found out everything. I would do anything it takes to protect mom and everyone else in this situation. Put yourself in my position. What if your dad was the problem, was the alcoholic. What if he made your mom cry all the time? Made your older sister breakdown at her boyfriend’s house? What if your father is one of the reasons you take anti-depressants? Just all that is what I have to go through on a daily basis. There is so much more that I don't even want to talk about because I know telling you all my troubles will not fix any of yours. This letter is going to be the last thing I “say” to you for a while. I do not want to speak with you. All of your words fall flat. When I have a daughter, she will never have to wonder her worth because, unlike you, I’m going to put her first. Any man can be a father, but not everyone can be a dad.

“I would rather go through life sober, believing that I am not, than go through life drunk believing i am not”

-Kennedy Hale

January 2018