To Lose a Parent

To lose a parent, at any age, is no easy thing. There is no good time to lose someone you love, someone who raised you, cared for you, and gave you life. But we have no control over these things and, unfortunately, for many people losing a parent while they are still in their formative years is a reality.

I lost my mother when I was 9-years-old. She was sick for over a year and then she was just gone. Just like that. I went from the kid with a sick mother to the kid with no mother. And that identity shaped and helped to build me for the rest of my life.

I've had people make the argument to me of "at least you were so young." And while I know that this is a well-intentioned statement, it really means nothing. What does age have to do with loss?

The way I see it, after having over sixteen years to think and process the matter, is just this. There is no good time. There is no ideal time. There is no loss that is greater than another. We cannot weigh people's suffering against each other. You don't get points, there is no value system, there is no scale that tells you how much you are allowed to grieve because you were young or old. Everyone is entitled to their own suffering. Everyone is unique in their suffering. And pretending that we can compare an emotion is ridiculous.

Losing a parent within the first ten years of your life is an interesting experience. Arguably, if you are very young, you may have no memory of them at all. That doesn't mean there is not a gap in your life without them. That doesn't mean there are not memories of them that are passed down to you. And that doesn't mean that you don't miss out on all of the things they could have given you as a parent. You just were never able to experience them in a capacity that you can recall.

I can recall my mother. I remember our family vacations. I remember the lessons she taught me. I remember her work uniform and our trips to Tim Hortons. And there are a lot of things I don't remember. There are a lot of things that I have learned about her as an adult that make her make more sense to me. I have come to understand her as an adult through the memories people have shared with me, and in this process, I understand myself better.

However, having lost her in those first ten years there are many things that I never got to do with my mother and that I will never get to do with her.

• We never got to have "the talk."
• We never got to discuss boys.
• She didn't get to see me go to prom.
• She never got to stay up and wait for me to come home from a party.
• She didn't get to see me graduate from high school or university.
• I never got to call her to tell her I got into grad school.
• She will never see me get married.
• She will never meet my children.
• We will never spend a night just talking about life.
• We will never have a "girls" day.
• I will never have a "Mother's Day" with her again.

And those are just the things that come to mind. There are big and small things in life, things many of us take for granted.

Every time someone complains to me about the troubles they are having with their mother, a petty argument over something that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, I always can't help but think "at least you have a mother to argue with." But I listen and I offer whatever advice that I can because everyone's situation is different and we can't always live in harmony with the people we love in our life.

Losing a parent isn't an easy thing. There is always a void in your life left by that person and it will never be quite filled, but life is full of wonderful people who will help you along the way.

I may not have had my mother, but I had plenty of mothers to offer me advice, guidance, love, food, and late night talks when I needed them. I have no shortage of people to wish Happy Mother's Day to when it comes around each year and these women have been extremely influential in helping me become the person I am today.

Loss is a difficult thing and it is how we handle the losses in our lives that define us as people. I will always remember my mother and I will continue to build on my memory of her with the stories and photos given to me by others. All I can ever hope is that she is proud of who I am and what I have done in my life. Other than that, I just have to keep on living. That is all any of can do.