Families logo

Ticking Clocks, Donor Sperm and Indecision

An honest insight into deciding to become a solo mum... or not.

By Eady GracePublished 5 years ago 3 min read
Like
Photo by Burst on Unsplash

The clock is ticking and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t rewind time, nor would I want too. Life has offered too many amazing experiences, I wouldn’t have wanted to live it any other way. Except maybe said yes to a few more random invitations. Maybe worked less. Maybe that would have led me to find a partner in an unexpected place. Maybe not.

The clock has sped up and there’s no partner in crime. Just my loud ticking clock and endless indecision.

I contemplate the option of becoming a solo mum through reading books and blog posts hoping for answers. I take up meditating, and whilst trying to chill out, I am actually digging in every corner of my brain for some certainty. Many women with courage I admire greatly have made the call to go it alone as a solo mum and chased that dream down like a fox going after a rabbit. They bravely put their hearts and souls on the line for heartbreaking disappointment, or on the flipside, absolute joy.

For me there’s no rabbit and I’m no fox. I’m meandering along like a distracted Labrador. One day I was 29 and the next I was 39. I have spent many years politely ignoring the clock, but now it just can't be quietened.

I recently rolled the dice twice with donor inseminations, which has a 10% chance of working. Those donor swimmers and my eggs weren’t to be and both times the 10+ negative pregnancy tests left me feeling equal parts sad and relieved. Which is why I’m stuck. How do I move past stuck when every fibre in my heart and body says have a baby, but my mind says what the fuck am I thinking? I’m not considering only a cute baby. This baby becomes a toddler and a teenager and at least 20 years of tethering myself to someone who will need something from me. Who am I to think I will be good at it? And what if I die when they need me the most?

I love independence, freedom and travel. I recently went to Bali for the weekend with nothing more than my handbag with a towel and swimmers. The freedom was intoxicating. I also love my nephews and I can imagine the honour and immense satisfaction to help shape and support a tiny curious human to become a surly teenager and independent adult.

I’m worried if I’m not coping, I don’t have a partner in the wings ready to swoop in and provide some sanity. I would be lying to myself if the loss of independence wasn’t a huge factor in my indecision. I have seen my own mum struggle with mental health, and part of that was being a tied down gypsy soul with the responsibilities of three kids. She suffered greatly, and she had my dad, who was a solid brick wall of support. I can’t un-see the despair she battled.

Going from a 10% chance of insemination to a 40% chance through IVF makes the dice I’m thinking about rolling loaded with more than just sperm. There’s a solid chance I’ll come out with a bun in the oven. And what is that shiny country to still explore where I know I will feel so exhilarated, free and happy? Oops distraction...

If the clock runs out, I know I will be left with a deep and profound sense of loss. Is the uncertainty fear? Yep. There’s no doubt it’s a huge factor. There’s also deep conflict not based on fear... just my honest reality of freedom and independence being so important to me.

How do you find certainty? Or come to grips with the loss of the other life you could have had? Is freedom from being completely stuck only possible when there is no longer choice? I decide today that with my age and rapidly declining fertility, I need to pick a side. Team A or Team B. The consequences of inaction is slapping me in the face. I choose to give IVF a go. Well today I do. My appointment is still 2 weeks away...

single
Like

About the Creator

Eady Grace

Eady Grace is a 39 year old Australian beach lover with a passion for travel and a ticking clock.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.