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I wasn't 100% on being a mom before I was one. Now that I am one, it's 100% what I want to be. I am fierce. I am a snarling mama bear who will go full savage at a PTA meeting if need be. I keep my kids away from refined sugar, video games, and bad influences; but I worry about other parents and their kids sometimes. I can't raise other people's kids for them and I wouldn't want to, but I do want them to raise their kids exactly how I would. These are the things parents let their kids do that horrify me now that I'm a mom.
Let them use technology.
One of the things parents let their kids do that horrify me now that I'm a mom is let their kids use technology. Period. Do they not know that technology is designed to be addictive and to data mine? I don't want my child to be mined for data nor do I want their brains literally hijacked as they're growing. We barely even know what YouTube and cell phones are doing to my adult brain, let alone my kid's brains. KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY KID'S BRAINS!
Now I have to think about metaphysics. Metaphysics. If my child is using so much technology that they can do math faster and remember things better than I can, do they become a different type of being from me? Are my kids more evolved than me? Is it like the difference between a wolf and a domesticated dog? Because I don't want to be a wolf to my child!
And then there's the actual content on YouTube. If you've gone down one the YouTube rabbit holes that you can't stop watching, specifically of finger family songs, you know how insane that stuff is. You're indoctrinating your children into madness. Madness! How many times am I going to have to tell my child that, "Some men just want to watch the world burn," because you wanted to let your toddler watch an uninterrupted hour of finger family songs? THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A DADDY FINGER!
Let them eat refined sugar.
Have you not been paying attention to anything at all about nutrition since your own birth? Like, literally, whatever age you are right now, you're old enough to have lived through a scientist telling you that refined sugar is bad. You might as well be smoking! This is 100% one of the things parents let their kids do that horrify me now that I'm a mom. And, look, I get it: you're weak. Yeah, plants die from the strength of my shade! But, seriously, many parents can't handle having a child so they just give them cookies. You know what? You just lost. It's over now. You might as well just let them internalize body issues next and have them thinking that our president isn't a sex criminal.
Gender them aggressively.
This is 100% one of the things parents let their kids do that horrify me now that I'm a mom because I can see how forced it is. And I hate you for doing this. Literally. I feel guilty for the severity of the feelings I feel when I see a parent mold their children to fit into outdated gender norms. You might as well put your child in a Police Lives Matter jumper, that's how mad I feel. I just let my children be as they want to be. If they want to conform to particular conceptions of gender that's fine by me; but I would never force them like many parents do. My kids dress however they want, play with whatever they want, and watch whatever they want. And, no, I'm not contradicting myself about the YouTube thing! No way are my kids' peepers peeping at a finger family song ever ever ever!
Let them exist in the first place.
One of the things parents let their kids do that horrify me now that I'm a mom is exist in the first place. It's fine for me to have kids. They're my kids! But sometimes I look at your kids and I just think about the world they're going to inherit. Children of Men, The Road, Ideocracy. It's going to be rough. I don't see that for my children, though.
When I look at my kids, they're just in my living room. I know that your kids and my kids could end up in the same hellscape because The Worst of Us thinks climate change is a hoax made up by Gyna, but I've already made my choice. I will gladly lay down my life for my kids. But would you?!
Does every GenXer have to euthanize themselves when our kids are 25 to save this world for them? Is that a good idea for a movie or something? I'm going to go send it to myself certified registered mail just in case! And, no, it's not Logan's Run! It's like a self-imposed Logan's Run! It'll be a farce.
Video games! They're designed to be addictive, people play them for hours– hours!–, they're a cesspool of hate, and they're a gateway drug to being uncool. THERE I SAID IT! You ever hear someone talk about a video game at length? Euch, it's the worst. I don't want to roll my eyes ever at my own children!
That's why one of the things parents let their kids do that horrify me now that I'm a mom is let one of those zero and one thumb trainers into their homes. "No, but in game I'm a–," let me stop you right there and let you know that I don't ever want to hear about how video games are a form of wish fulfillment. I'd rather watch a documentary about the ivory trade than hear the rest of a sentence that starts with, "In game I'm –."
Not teach them about the world.
Your kids better be woke AF. I don't care if they're 8. You teach them about the world! Tamir Rice was 12-years-old when the police murdered him. Teach your kids the things women are expected to do at work but shouldn't. Are they keeping the things boys learn by age 5 that perpetuate rape culture out of their son's brains?
I don't want to hear their kids making fun of anyone for how they're dressed, how they look, or to make anyone feel uncomfortable for how they are. One of the things parents let their kids do that horrify me now that I'm a mom is just let them run around willy-nilly absorbing things like sponges.
Do you know how puritanical and conservative America is as a country?! Shame a little kid for their sexuality at the right age and you'll give them a complex for life! No more closets! TEAR IT ALL DOWN; BURN THIS GODDAMN WHITE SUPREMACIST PATRIARCHY TO THE GROUND! I don't want to be 48 years old telling my kids a story that starts with, "We were going to have a female president but then her emails..." that then ends with, "And that's why I have to euthanize myself now. PUT ON CELEBRITY SKIN; MAMA'S GOING OUT TO HOLE!" Get woke so I don't have to out myself!
One of the things parents let their kids do that horrify me now that I'm a mom is sports. I am pro-sports, don't get me wrong. It's just so intense for me to watch it! My friend sent me a minute of his kids skiing and it was a real emotional roller coaster. He filmed them as he was skiing too, and his daughter does this move where she falls over while in motion and gets right back up into proper form. Ack ack ack! YOU GO GURL! But also, you're all such delicate flowers with tiny skeletons I WANT NOTHING BAD TO BEFALL YOU; I'M SORRY I LET PRESIDENT SEX CRIMINAL IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
Send them to school.
Look, I send my kids to school too, but I hate it. It's lose/lose. I can send them to Montessori and they may suffer from a lack of structure; I can send them to a charter school and they'll just be used to fill the coffers of the elite; I can send them to private school and they'll be Dead Poets' Society cast members; or I can send them to regular school, which I do, and they'll just be miserable. So, one of the things parents let their kids do that horrify me now that I'm a mom is send their kids to school. There's no escape from this one, so I try to not think about it. Also, it reminds me of when I was in school, which haunts me decades later. DECADES!
Let them spend time around other parents.
One of the things parents let their kids do that horrify me now that I'm a mom is let their children spend time with other parents. I gotta vet you real good to be around my child. Are you woke AF?! Are my kids eating sugary snacks at your place, are my kids playing video games, and watching YouTube? Because I'm not going to let you set my kid up in front of a Nintendo Switch, a finger family song, and a Twinkie while you share your feelings about kneeling during the national anthem. Why are you even talking to my kid about kneeling at the national anthem?! GIMME BACK MY SON!
Take their own kids home.
I'm such a good parent. I crush it so hard. My kid is the best. One of the things parents let their kids do that horrify me now that I'm a mom is let them go back to their own homes. Are these parents fighting to implement possible gun control solutions? Are they doing as good a job raising them as I'm doing raising my own kids? Would their parents euthanize themselves so that their children don't have to grow up in The Road?
I am prepared to also be the parent in The Road if things go that route before I turn 48. I AM READY! And my version of The Road is better because it's got a female lead. Not that Viggo Mortensen isn't great (he looks good even starving to death!).
Sometimes I think about how we're all just expressions of the same force, how no one ever really dies, and how the only reason people believe in the illusion of death is attachment. But I need that attachment to be able to appreciate my kids in the first place. Ooo it makes me wonder. BTW, I introduced your kids to "Stairway to Heaven" because I'm the cool mom. Skiddly-skiddly womp womp womp!