Things Not to Do When Getting a Divorce

DO NOT lie to the kids—if you have kids do not lie to them about what is happening to their family, why you and your spouse are choosing to get a divorce, or what is going to happen next. Kids are already going through the pain of divorce and one parent moving out of the house. Do not lie to them, even if you think it will make them feel better. It will assuredly make them feel worse. And may even make them feel that it is their fault, and that is why you are lying to them about it. And also they come to resent you for your actions.

DO have an honest conversation with them—you can be honest and tell them what they need to know without lying. If you feel there are parts of your divorce that you do not want them to know about, then tell them that. You have a right for some things in your life to be private, especially your divorce, and it is not written anywhere that you have to get on a personal level. However, you can tell them, "That is private between mommy and daddy, but know that we both love you, and that hasn't changed." The child knows that it's not their fault, that you and your spouse love them, and that, while yes some accepts of their lives are changing, your love has not. And the love of your partner has not changed.

DO NOT blame, shame, or fight with each other, especially in front of the kids—do not blame each other. it takes two to break up a marriage and either you both decide to make it work, or you both decide to put it to rest. Do not shame the other person because they did or did not do something. Talk to them; you can do this without insulting them. You can tell them how you feel without making them your enemy. Do not fight. The fight is over, that is why you are ending your marriage. Try to end that marriage on a good note instead of making it worse. Especially if you have kids. They do not need to see that. They do not need to worry about their parents as well as everything else.

DO communicate with your partner—let your partner know how you feel, and why you feel that way. Be on the same page with them, so you can take care of your kids, house, properties, and other financials together, instead of fighting over the small stuff and lashing out just to hurt each other.

DO NOT—give up on your family so quickly. That spouse is still the person you chose to spend your life with; marriage is hard and no one has a road map to success. It is a long road, it is trial and error, and it is sleepless nights. But at the end of the day, it is worth it. If it is something you are not ready to quit, then do not do it. If that is the person you are not ready to give up on. then do not give up on them.

DO know when enough is enough-—know when it is time to move on. No one wants to call it quits too quickly, but sometimes you have to let go and let them be happy and be happy yourself. The only thing worse than being stuck in an unhappy marriage, is being stuck in one, because you do not want to let go, but that person no longer loves you, and doesn't want to be with you. You both deserve to be happy. And hopefully you can stay friends. Especially if you have kids together, because this is the best thing for the kids—mom and dad getting along for them.