Things Are Going to Change

Life is never straightforward and there is always the fear of the unknown and also the fear of the truth. I was scared of both for a long time or what felt like a long time but sometimes you have no choice but to face it and deal with it and however you do can change things forever!

As we got into the car to go to the hospital, my stomach was in knots. Sarah was talking to me excitedly but I couldn’t actually understand her; my head was elsewhere. I looked over at Luke trying to guess what he was thinking or feeling he looked to be in the same place as me his face was blank but I knew behind those familiar blue eyes his mind was going three thousand miles an hour. He looked at me and gave me a small smile, the one he did when he knew I knew what he was thinking. The thing was the reason we were going to hospital wasn’t a bad thing in fact it’s something most couples are excited to do together. Today was the day we were finding out if it was a little boy blue or if it was another flurry of pink we would be meeting in three short months.

This was our second baby and although it was a planned unplanned baby, it hadn’t been a smooth ride; Luke at the best of times was a complicated person but one thing for sure was he was desperate for this baby to be a boy and the pressure was mounting. It sounds so silly; there a millions of people in the world who would do anything to carry or be able to produce their own children but they can’t and whilst I was happy either way I knew Luke felt differently. As we drove along the motorway heading towards what to most people would be such an exciting moment, I felt as though I was heading towards what could be the end or a fantastic beginning for us. Luke didn’t say much in the car apart from the words “I just want it to be a boy so badly otherwise.........” those words kept going over and over in my head and the fact he never finished this sentence made it worse.

Before you know it there we were in the scan room, I had pulled on my invisible cloak of confidence and happiness pretending that it was both of us that didn’t mind what we were having all the while my heart beating so fast I could have taken off I was sure the pounding was so loud it was filling the room. Then the sonographer said the words, “Yes, there we go, you're having a girl.” I looked at the screen and for a few seconds I was there alone looking at my beautiful little girl imagining her face her eyes and even her tiny fingers wrapping around mine, then my heart sank and I slowly looked over towards Luke. He wasn’t even looking at the screen just down at the floor his mum was looking at him as she said, “Two girlies now, Emily will be so happy to have a little sister.” Sarah’s voice was upbeat but you could her the worried ping in her voice she knew too this isn’t going to end well. As we walked out I clutched the pictures of my beautiful little girl tightly in my hand waiting for Luke to say something at this point I didn’t care what he said anything would be better than this silence or so I thought! “Well she’s happy and healthy and growing well,” Sarah said. Luke then spoke for the first time, “Yep another girl. Guess I’m just gonna have to deal with it aren’t I!”

My eyes burned with tears that I couldn’t let out I started to walk quicker. I couldn’t walk next to them right now. Never have I felt more alone and more scared in my life. Here we were blessed with a healthy baby and yes it wasn’t what he wanted but surely that doesn’t really matter that much to someone? I turned round to look at him and he caught my eye, he looked different to me now somehow like the man I had loved for ten years suddenly had changed he looked harder his eyes seemed to be darker and so cold.

I knew then things were about to change I just didn’t know how, but what I did know is that I loved my girls more than anything and nothing was going to break me and stop me being a good mum to them no matter what was coming I would always protect them!