The Unexpected

The day I knew you were growing inside me was perhaps the most nerve wrecking day of my life, and not just because of hormones, I didn't know what to say to my loving husband. I was not ready for a child, I'm still not ready to have a child. To be economically prepared for you to come is almost impossible. My dear unborn daughter I honestly don't know what Josh and I will do once you are born. I know I will love you and he will be a better father than I a mother. I don't know what to feel even being seven and a half months pregnant with you. The weight gain I have the nausea you bring me and the lack of sleep all makes me so much more scared. Hormones surge through my body feeling like lightning bullets in a vast open sky.

I also wasn't ready for the dreams that all return when I'm sleeping. I used to have night terrors and now I have realistic nightmares of accidentally leaving poor Cadence somewhere and not going back to get her. I once dreamt that I left her at some hotel and when I realized I replaced her with a baby doll so my husband wouldn't notice. This baby has brought my imagination to heights higher than the top of Mt. Everest which anyone who knew me before would say my imagination already couldn't get any bigger. I'm not saying I don't love my creative side because I absolutely do, however I had it under control to where I wouldn't day dream so much just from techniques I learned growing up to increase focus. I am not ADHD or ADD however now I feel like my attention span is a short leprechaun. I can't wait to have Cadence join me and my husband in this world, yet at the same time I fear that we will not be prepared to raise her financially.

Knowing my husband has been so supportive and is actually more excited than I am makes me feel a little more at ease with this though. I have the most wonderful husband ever. Josh makes sure I'm comfortable or as comfortable as I can be and cooks easy pasta dishes for me when I get out of work. He rubs my lower back knowing that it constantly hurts. He has been out of work for almost a year because of a serious injury that happened last November and broke his right calcaneus, which is his heel and multiple little bones in that foot. He also broke is l2 spine and yet he still manages to try to do chores around the house. We receive no disability and his work disability ran out a long time ago.

All I can say is Cadence, my dear unborn daughter to be, is I hope to provide for you and make you proud as a mother. Every time I feel you move inside me and kick I get a cornucopia of emotions. I imagine holding your tiny body in the hospital delivery room and just falling in love with you yet, at the same time I feel as if I will never be enough for you. I hate that these months of pregnancy have not at all been enjoyable and I feel as if I am less than. I am anxious to have you yet petrified for I never thought I'd be a mother. I thought I'd be a proud owner of my own restaurant and an accomplished chef. I grew up in a home that never really felt like home with siblings that weren't my actual siblings and I will never allow you, my dear Cadence, to feel that way or go into foster care. Although you are unexpected, just like me actually marrying the most amazing, caring, loving, sexiest man, you are not unloved and absolutely not a mistake and I can't wait to see where life takes us as a family.