The Truth About Single Mothers

What comes to mind when one hears the term “single Mother?” The word ‘difficulty’ is a given, and you may also consider words like ‘strength’ or ‘persistence’, and you would be correct. With the title, there is apparently a certain air of respect and honor attached, although many are using it completely wrong.

I was having a conversation with my children the other day, not unlike many I have had in the past. I refuse to lie to them or hide reality from them, and I don’t shelter them, instead choosing to be honest and teach them to work through it. It may be the worst decision, but so far it has worked out for the best with our family.

The conversation was during the annual back-to-school shopping trip, and as the cash registers began sounding more like a sonata than a few clicks to make a sale. My anxiety was starting to show, and I was getting rather exhausted which led to us having a reality check talk. One of those that often come up in situations where I take all four somewhere and they act like kids. It wasn’t about their behavior this time, but someone else’s.

The reality is certain people out shopping, most at a 1:2 or 1:1 adult-to-child ratio, look at me like a horrible mother when I seem too exhausted to deal with their inabilities to make decisions, or when I jokingly tell my son “If you say ‘epic’ one more time I will throw something at your head.” When I hear an ignorant suburban Brenda mumbling how I shouldn’t have had so many if I couldn’t deal with them, and worse when my kids hear it and they visibly seem more upset by it than me it forces me to discuss it. I have to deal with it, internalize it, and it only makes the matter worse. Otherwise, it becomes an embarrassing episode of me breaking it down for Brenda and explaining I didn’t have four kids alone. How even if she is on husband number three and calls herself a single mom, despite having two living fathers in the background to assist, and a backup, I still have to do it really, REALLY single. Like, really, truly, very single.

Yes, Brenda, while you call yourself the champion of feminism because you sometimes have your children to yourself, or have used your own earnings to pay for a haircut, you aren’t technically a single mom by my standards. You not only have found another schmuck to marry you for a third time, and the previous two who you’ve arranged visitations with so you always have one weekend free to binge watch Magic Mike with the girls if you so wish, but you probably have parents too. They watch your kids, probably help with things, maybe even have some trust fund set up for them, because they know you could never afford to take care of them with your part time job at the nail and hair spa. You are a co-parent.

You are quick to share a “Single Moms Are Super Heroes” meme or some other self-righteous braggadocio “My kids come first” post on all your social media, and you are the first to make snide remarks or look down on an actual single mother. The strong and solid support system required to keep those kids in shoes, haircuts, extra-curriculars, and you out of the funny farm are merely an illusion. If another mom seems to not be as laid back, or maybe frazzled, it is on her. You managed to do ALL of this with “no” help. You get stressed, the kids go to your parents. You need help with expenses, you call their dad or again, your parents. Maybe you call both of your kids’ father's parents? The point is you call someone, and they come through without hesitation.

You are amazing, Brenda. Really. It’s just when you see another mom out there looking a little stressed, and if she is outnumbered 4:1, maybe consider the original odds were 2:1. She had those children with a second parent, and he may not be there anymore. Not as in, he divorced her and still steps in, but he may be GONE… like afterlife gone. Maybe, just maybe try being empathetic, and not such a wretched human being to another woman (and her children).

People like you are why I hate going to malls or crowded places anymore. You, and the other people like you are the same ones who would stand behind me and cuss me out in the checkout line the few months I had food stamps immediately after my husband’s death. People like you are why I will never be on them again. Thank you for that.

You aren’t a single mom, Brenda. Single moms look at other single moms with that “I have been there and I totally understand” look and a smile. Single moms know what it’s like to be tired, to be anxious, to do it alone… for real. They don’t pretend they will always have it together and they don’t compare themselves to people like you, who appropriate the title for attention. Single moms push through the bad days, and they don’t need your approval. You, Brenda, can kiss right on off.

I had a talk with my kids on the way home, and I made sure they understood the difference.

*Based on a true story. Names and number of husbands may have been changed to avoid embarrassment.