The Inevitability of Heartache

When you are handed that perfect bundle of babyness right after long hours of labour, there is nothing better to inspire and terrify your maternal instinct. On one hand, this is what you have been waiting for. This perfect mix of traits from both parents rolled up into fuzzy blankets and warm baby smell. But, on the other hand, "it" starts. The "it" is the tiny heartaches that wear at the soul, strengthening and weakening your heart muscle at the same time. The fear of new and uncharted territory along with the immenseness of the undertaking that is unfolding in front of you, kind of like Bilbo Baggins leaving the Shire to begin his impossible task.

You see, when you have kids, no one tells you about the strange process your heart and soul go through while raising children. I think this is because it's a thing that every parent goes alone. You may feel the up and downs differently than your partner. You will start to notice it slowly like a tiny tug at your heart, quickly forgotten because in the first year of life is so much growing. It is a year of discovery; everything is new to you both. You will see all the "first times" through your child's eyes. First bottle, first real food, first crawl/walk/run, first sleep through the night. These changes are more sweet than bitter as you slowly get your body back and they gain small levels of independence. You welcome these firsts with joy and glee at progress made.

But it's the heart pains as they get older that you feel more. You will cheer them up when they get that first rejection from a friend; watch hopefully when they try something new and be there when they fail, only to have them try again, setting the process on a circle of discovery until they master a new skill. Your kids starting new schools will be a mix of hope and fear at the unknown with you trying to reassure them about the fun they will eventually have. Eventually, kids find their way and you let them go, hoping that you raised strong, independent kids (who still want hugs from momma). Kids that will conquer the world. You want that, you do, but at the same time, your heart aches for small hands to hold, wishing for one more day as they were when they were younger.

I've come to realize that in raising two kids that parents are the strongest, but most vulnerable people ever. We will, without question, protect those kids with our lives, but worry endlessly about all the tiny things that shape their day. We absorb the changes our kids make, living independently from you, but sometimes we still wish they depended on us a bit. When asked, I would do it all over again. The joy they bring to life is unmeasured and if heartache must be endured, I will gladly welcome its sting as an old friend.

My children are in a great stage of life. I have a rambunctious preteen that wants to try out for jazz band next year. She will be navigating the as yet uncharted territories of middle school. I worry, but welcome the changes, knowing she is closer to a life of independence. My son, my baby boy, will be in second grade. He is outgoing and joyful and has a small group of friends that are as rambunctious as he. I revel in every day now. I don't take the boring everyday routine during the school year for granted anymore. In a few short years, this busy stage will be behind us and we all will be entering a new stage of life. I just hope my heart can take it, but then, in the same breath, I know it can.