The Good, Bad, and the Ugly

When you say your "I do's" or "Till death do us part" and start a family not in a million years would you think this marriage wouldn’t last. The hardest part was trying to hold it together to co-parent our three minor children. My ex moved back to New York and I remained in Texas with the kids while the divorce was coming along. I remember the judge telling me that I was being too gracious in asking for joint custody. If I had it my way I would've filed for sole custody, but I had to realize that it wasn't about me. He may have sucked as a husband, but he is a great father to the kids and in the end that's what really matters.

My ex made the decision to move back to Texas and be a father to our kids. Was I happy? Hell yes, because parenting alone is very exhausting, and I didn't make them all my myself he played a huge part in bringing them here too. We had to get into a routine of the kids schedule and ours to make this co-parenting thing work. Did we get it right the first time? Of course not, not even the second, third, fourth or fifth time. It took us multiple times and even now we hit a few snags and must regroup sometimes.

Growth

I remember my ex and I having a season of back and forth frustration parenting the kids. It would be minor stuff, for example if they were on punishment while with me I would give him the heads up for it to carry over with him and vice versa. The school they would attend was another issue or even going to church would trigger an argument. I must be transparent to say I really thought we would have to start doing police precinct drop offs. In the end it never came to that and I just resolved to make myself a better person. I decided to stop focusing on the one hundred ways this man irritated me and decided to seek a better me.

I had to realize just as much as he made me want to barf being in his presence he may have felt the same exact way about me. Nothing ever gets resolved when too ignorant people butt heads. So instead of going toe to toe with him I would do the complete opposite and not engage and do something completely different and that would throw him off and it began to work. When my ex-husband and I became "Team Judah," which is what I declare over my kids it became a whole lot easier and the tension we had ceased.

Turning Point

When my ex-husband and I worked on ourselves independently we became better parents collectively. We now apologize quicker when a comment or even the tone of what we’re saying may make the other feel disrespected. When you co-parent with the mindset that it isn’t going to work it won't. If you co-parent going in thinking that it's a walk in the park you will be disappointed. Co-parenting is hard work that requires two people to remain with a level head for the benefit of their child or children.

Going back and forth tearing each other down does nothing but put the kids in the middle. I knew my children's dad and I hit that turning point where the teachers, coaches, etc. were amazed that we were co-parenting. There was no break in the children's routine and they behaved and acted like well-rounded children that just happens to live in two different households. We needed those responses more than anything because as parents we did our best, but still had that burden of are we screwing up our kids’ lives.

The kids are currently 17, 14, and 12 and they are flourishing and living out things that at my age or their dads never accomplished. I wish I had a formula or some elaborate theory about the co-parenting world to make it work for you. All I can say is when you make it about your children and not about yourselves or the failed relationship you have just put one foot in front the other. Parenting is a daily thing that requires a lot of love and patience, then more love and more patience and when you think you have run out you better tap into your reserve. Remember the kids didn't voluntary come here it took two people coming together and creating them. Therefore, we owe it to our children to give them the best part of us.