The Female Scrooge

I have always loved Christmas. Having my daughter usually makes me eager for Christmas to come. I've never had to receive a gift as long as I had my baby girl. That's all I've ever needed for Christmas. So what could have caused my boiling rage at the sight of a tree, or the sound of jingle bells?

It all started on a typical day in the doctor's office. I walked in with my daughter, and the first thing I noticed was that they had a tree up early. Thanksgiving had not even arrived yet. Then, I checked my daughter in and sat down with her in the waiting room. She walked up to the tree, and her face lit up. She said, "Look, Mommy! It's a Christmas tree! I love it!" Immediately, I thought to myself, "I'm not going to be able to get her a tree, or presents, or stocking, or anything for Christmas this year." I was devastated. My heart had shattered.

Earlier this year in September my husband lost his job. He hasn't been able to find work since. So, we have no money for Christmas. I don't even care about the gifts, though. Nor does my daughter. It's just seeing her face light up at that tree broke my heart. I could put up a tree, but I lost it during a move.

Nothing my daughter will wake up with nothing on Christmas, and I'll have to watch Grinch all day on Netflix. Even a little 2-foot tree would make my sweet little princess happy. I can't even do that. So I began to get angry and hate Christmas. And that was the awakening of The Female Scrooge.

My daughter's favorite movies are The Grinch and The Nightmare Before Christmas. She's running around singing along to these movies, and I'm getting more and more depressed. I tried to come back to love Christmas, but all I could think about is how my daughter isn't going to want to come home, and spend Christmas with me after seeing the tree at her grandma's house. In a way, just like Mr. Grinch on the movie The Grinch I was sad, not angry. Since I hadn't realized that yet, I started to fall into this deep depression. All I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't care to eat. I stopped reading books. I stopped wearing makeup. It felt like everything was going downhill. I felt like a failure. I was just not myself. I am a loving, fun, and playful mom. I am a housewife, who is always grouching about a clean house. I didn't even do those things anymore.

Anytime I saw Christmas decorations it made me cringe. I got sick at the sight of candy canes. I saw a tree at a family member's Thanksgiving, and I just wanted to leave. There I am "Scrooging" on Thanksgiving. Forgetting to be thankful for what I have, a beautiful daughter, and a loving husband. I am a mom. I just hate to disappoint my little girl. So from now on, I will be thankful for that. I am going to let the pieces fall where they may. I've started a Go Fund Me page, and if I get zero donations, it'll be okay. I am still gonna wake up Christmas morning to a beautiful, sweet, and loving baby girl.

If anyone is interested in my Go Fund Me page please let me know, and I will give you the link.