The Eulogy I Wouldn't Dare Read

I want to thank you all for gathering here today. As you know, I was very close to the deceased. Now that he’s gone, I barely know what to do with myself. I still can’t believe it. But I can tell you, he would have loved this.

The kind words.

The attention.

I’d like to take this opportunity to say the things I never got to say to him. I’d like to make a toast to him, one last time.

So here’s to you. The first boy who had my heart. The first boy who swore to protect me, to stand by me for the rest of my life. Here’s to you, the first boy whose hands I held, who kissed me goodnight. You were the first boy who made me smile, the first boy I ever loved. But then the love I thought we shared turned to hate as it dawned on me just how damn awful you had become.

They told me not to blame you. They said that it wasn’t your fault, that I was just being dramatic, that you weren’t that bad. Maybe your head wasn’t screwed on right or maybe you really were just a blind ignorant fool but you had no justification in making me feel like I was nothing. But I was young, and I was blind. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t please you. It took me a while but now I know that the goalposts you put up are on wheels and I will never, ever, be good enough.

I understand that now, but I am still haunted by your shadows. I am haunted by the paranoid demons trying to convince me that it’s all. in. my. head. I am haunted, because I can still hear the echos of your screams, feel the mascara dripping down my face. Your footsteps would lumber down the hall and I’d find myself trying not to move, not to breathe. I’d crouch with my eyes slammed shut and a hand over my mouth and I’d pretend my ears didn’t work but nothing would make you go away. I am haunted, because of you, because I was under the impression that we’d take a bullet for each other, but right now I’m staring down the barrel of a gun and you’re the one holding the trigger.

So here’s to the way you’d make me choke out those three words every night. Here’s to your turn-on-a-dime, flip of a switch personality that convinced the world I was the crazy one. Here’s to the way you’d walk away with a proud flicker in your eyes after your devastating words found their mark. I jump at every touch, I trip over my words; you’ve damaged me but life isn’t a fancy store and you don’t have to pay for things you’ve broken. I’m tormented, and I’m terrified, and heartbroken and suffocating, I am ripped at the seams and falling apart and it’s all because of you. You were proud to destroy me, proud to make me feel like I was in hell. I was. But oh my god, I hope you were too.

But hey, I’m not all that bitter. I appreciate everything you’ve taught me. So, thank you for cracking my heart and crumbling my world to the ground because I did not blink when the dust you left behind flew into my face. Thanks for the smiles that didn’t reach your eyes, and the apologies laced with venom, because you showed me what it looks like when someone doesn’t care. Who you were to the outside world was not who you were to me. Because of you, I know not to judge a book by its reviews. Thank you, because I will never, ever fall that far again.

So here's to you, the first boy I ever cried over and the last boy I let ruin my life.

Because others have broken my heart, but you have the privilege of being the very first. to. break. me. Here’s to you, Dad.