The Day My Heart Broke

"No one... No parent should ever have to bury their child." I've heard this statement throughout my life. Never knowing that I would have a true understanding of that phrase. Yes, I had to endure that dull ache in my heart that will forever be embedded there. It didn't seem fair, it still doesn't. How can someone only experience 5 years on this Earth? How could God do this? It just seemed cruel. I had so much anger in my heart at that time. I was confused, I was scared, I was lost in my own mind. My days were full of darkness. How was I to tell my other children that their sister would not be coming home? How could I make them understand when I didn't even understand it myself? God, why would you leave me with this task of breaking their hearts? God, how could you take my baby from me??

No words could escape my mouth. I tried to allow the words to leave my lips, but I couldn't. I didn't even want to pray and ask for help. I looked around and the room seemed empty, even though there were plenty of people around. I saw no one, I heard nothing. I felt nothing, not even the hugs that people were giving me. I couldn't accept the words of sympathy that were given to me. I didn't want them. I just wanted my baby back. I wanted to go back to that hour and make the doctor change his diagnosis. I wanted a miracle to happen. I was supposed to believe in miracles, right? So, what happened to her miracle that day? Where was God at?

I asked for forgiveness a few weeks later. It took me a while to even understand why things happened the way that they did... I'm lying... I still don't understand why to this day. I do know that she's not here and we are hurting, and my heart is not, nor will it ever be at peace. But she's in a better place... I tell myself that all the time. Does it make it better? No. Does it make my heart ache any less? No.

I hate this pain and the anguish that I know a lot of mothers go through. How can you cope with the fact that your child is no longer with you on this Earth? I wonder if anyone has found the answer to this question? Does anyone know how to go on with your life when the life you brought into this world is gone?

I pray every night for myself and for parents that must go through this. It is not easy, and anyone who says that it is, is telling a bold face lie. I know some may be able to cope better than others. You do have to have an inner strength that you will discover over time. I know I never thought that I would be able to even get out of my bed. But guess what? I found the strength to go on through my day to day. Even if it was just to say that I made it through my day. That is an accomplishment.

I go day to day and mask what is really hurting me. When you have other responsibilities, you must find a way. I have three other children that need my strength because they are in pain just like I am. But I have the strength to give them, even if I must give them all of mine, they will be able to get through. I guess it will one day get better... right? Let us all pray.