The Daughter That Never Was

Loss is hard. Loss of a child is even harder. That death, whether it be miscarriage, stillbirth, or even death after the child is born, can tear you to pieces. I know. I’ve been there.

In 2009, I was 18 and was just 5 months from graduating high school. That January I found out I was pregnant. I was excited and scared all at the same time. The next two weeks I was working out a plan to care for my baby and continue to graduation. I even enrolled in college early.

When I was around 7 to 8 weeks pregnant, I started getting sick. I cramped, bled, and was very weak. I talked to my Child Care teacher and she sent me to the ER. There, they hooked me up to all sorts of wires and machines. I was terrified. When it was time for the ultrasound, I asked the technician if I could see the picture. She said she couldn’t allow me to. Right then, I knew something was wrong.

About an hour later, the doctor comes in and tells me my baby wasn’t vital. I asked what he meant. He had told me she died. My heart sank. I was in complete shock. I asked him how. He said my nutrition was very low and I didn’t have enough to provide for her. I felt like I killed her. I felt defeated.

On the way to my boyfriend’s house, I wanted to kill myself. I was angry, hurt, and devastated all at once. I begged God to bring her back to me.

The pain of her death haunted me for a long time. I didn’t know how to cope. I isolated myself from my friends and family. I was dead inside. That is, until my dean told me how. She told me to give her a name. So I did. Her name is Emily Renee.

After that simple act, I realized that even though she is not physically here, she will always be in my heart.

Coping with a miscarriage is never easy. It doesn’t matter if you are early in your pregnancy or late. The pain is still there. The moment you find out that you are having a baby, you fall in love. Having the right support group is always the best way. Being able to talk about it or even have that shoulder to cry on can relieve so much of the hurt.

Sometimes, the simplest things can ease the pain. Try writing your baby a letter. Tell him or her how much you love them and all the plans you had for your child. Talk to the baby in prayer. Or even send a balloon to Heaven.

One of the best coping methods is talking to someone you trust, preferably someone who has been in your shoes. They would understand the hurt and just listen to you. That person may know just what to say or may not say anything and that’s ok. Sometimes, we need to just have someone there who will just listen and give that comfort. And if someone you know is going through the loss of a child offer your ears and heart. Listen, console, comfort, and even pray for her and her family. You will always have that hurt, but you will know that your little angel is there with you always.

Emily would be 9-years-old on September 23 of this year. I now have a happy and healthy 5-year-old boy who is legally blind in his right eye. When he’s older I will be telling him about his big sister and how she is watching over him and that she is very proud of him.