The Dark Days of Motherhood

There are so many dark days of motherhood. And for me, there have been a lot of them in the past few weeks. This week being particularly bad. A couple of days ago, it was one of those days where you have to put your child in their crib and let them cry. Because if you don't, you feel like you just might lose it. And you know what I did during the 20 minutes I let my beautiful one and a half year old daughter cry? I sat in my backyard and sobbed into a towel. Feeling like a fucking failure. Because she had been crying for six hours, and nothing I had done made her feel any better.

In reality, I know that I am anything but a failure. I'm actually a great mom. But the past few weeks have been some of the hardest I have ever endured. Felicity is cutting her molars and I want to rip my hair out. With my son, he got his teeth pretty much all at once. And he must have a super high tolerance for pain, because most of the time we didn't even notice. He just had another tooth. But with my daughter, each molar has taken about three weeks to come in, and currently we are only on number four. Now, if you have children you know the hell that comes with teething, and how it can really wear on your nerves. I have run the gamut on what to do. She's had Motrin, gas drops, frozen stuff, whatever food she wants, cold drinks, etc. We play, we color, we watch her favorite cartoon.....Anything and everything to make her feel better. But nothing really does. So she cries, and whines, and cries and cries. And sometimes I cry right along with her.

But sometimes I lose my temper and I yell. Something I'm not proud of, and it solves nothing. But it happens. I lose it. We all lose it sometimes. Life is hard, and there are many things that go on. There are many, many other things going on. Just last week Axton headed-butted me, in the middle of the grocery store, because he didn't want to be there and threw a tantrum. After that I gave up and said, fine, fuck—and shoved my cart away. I didn't even care that everyone was staring at me, because I was only thinking about getting out of there and about my potential black eye. So out to the car we went, and he got in happily. I shut the door and then I sat on the ground and cried. Because this is motherhood. These are the dark days.

These are the days that are the hardest to talk about. The days that mothers are scared or ashamed to talk about. But that's why we have to talk about it. Recently, a good friend of mine paid me an amazing compliment. She told me she loved how real I was about motherhood, and she loved knowing that I treated my kids the same all the time. Whether there were people watching me or not. This really was one of the best things that anyone has ever said to me. Because I aim to be so transparent and real about pregnancy and being a mom. I do this because no one really did it for me. I had to actively seek out books and articles that talked about the true reality of being pregnant and having a baby.

Because most of the time people cover their lives with rose-colored glass. And only reveal themselves to a select few people. But I find myself wishing that it wasn't like that. That people felt free to say what was really on their mind, and be who they really are. And I know that it's hard to do that. Believe me, I do. But if we don't talk about what's hard, and the terrible experiences that we go through, everyone suffers. Life is not all sunshine and sparkle. There are dark day—very, very dark days. I have them, you have them, everyone has them. There's no reason to hide behind it. There's no reason to feel ashamed. When someone asks you how you're doing, tell them honestly. When someone asks for your opinion, give it to them. Don't sugarcoat. Don't hold back. Be real and open.

Now this may lose you some acquaintances, and maybe even some people you thought loved you. But what you will be left with, are the people who truly support, understand, and love you. And really, I wouldn't expect this to be more than three to four people. I'm truly lucky because I have an amazing husband and family. And I have even been fortunate enough to have found the platonic love of my life in my best friend.

I have slowly, but surely, built a family for myself including a couple of amazing womyn. It's without these womyn, that I would be completely lost. It's such a rare gift to find friends that you can be real with, and friends that you can say anything to without judgement or fear of losing them. And it's with these womyn, that I share my dark days of motherhood. Now, I'm sharing it with you. So that you know that you're not alone. The best thing you can do for another pregnant womyn or young mother, is to share your real life experiences with her. No one should suffer through the dark days alone.