"The Burn"

When I was around 19 years of age, I was told that I would find it difficult to conceive naturally and that I would need help from the hospital once I was ready. I was told that I had a very common condition called PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Over here in the UK I think the statistics are 1 in every 5 women, so quite a number! A whole 20%, in fact! I'd always imagined being a mom, right from being a little girl so this news was not something I had ever wanted to hear. As I grew older I had decided that, once I met my soul mate, I'd like to adopt as I wouldn't want to put my body and my mental state through all of the heartache that comes with disappointing IVF results or the negative pregnancy tests month after month so I had mentally prepared myself to never have to give birth! I met my soul mate and we discussed it. He was happy so long as I was in any way we decided to be parents, we would be parent nevertheless. Well, in the October of 2016, me and my partner found out we were pregnant! Naturally! No help, no doctors, no pills, and no IVF! My partner was over the moon, almost passing out all whilst I sat on the toilet repeating "shit, shit, shit." After all, I had never mentally prepared to grow a human, to give birth to am entire human! I was, well and truly, PETRIFIED!!

As time went on, I became more comfortable with the idea I mean, people have been growing humans and popping the out for millions of years before me so what am I worried about? Throughout my pregnancy I had people saying things like ,"Ooooh get ready for the sleepless nights," "I hope you're prepared for all the poop and sick," "Wait until the baby is screaming the house down at all hours!" There was so much negativity towards parenthood it was almost unbelievable! Towards the end of my pregnancy, the fear came back! The fear of having to get this baby out of my body made me literally want to pass out so I decided to turn to my friends and family for some comfort, all fellow mommies that have been through this before. "They'll be able to calm me, they'll explain that it's not all that bad," I thought.

WRONG! "Wait for the BURN!" shouted one, "Oooh yes the burn" replied another continuing with, "it is by far the worst pain you could ever imagine and you can't stop it from happening and nobody can help you, it feels like everything is trying to leave your body all at once!" I cried for the remaining few weeks of my pregnancy, having random panic attacks. I ended up with a liver condition that occurs during pregnancy and the doctor decided that they would need to induce me, almost three weeks early. I have never been so frightened in all of my life, so far! They cracked on with the induction and I was in labour for a total of four days! And yes, it did hurt! A lot! But it was nothing like what had been explained to me! My body flooded all of these emotions, these feelings, and they honestly outweighed all the pain! I remember my daughter getting stuck and they wanted to used the forceps and I just pushed and pushed until she was out! I think that people get some sort of thrill by making someone scared because I honestly can not remember that pain. I know it hurt and I know it hurt a lot but I also know that the minute they put my baby girl on my chest was the moment my entire body felt warm and numb and there was no longer anything but a bursting heart. The point of my story is that if you're a first time mommy and you're scared, I promise you, it is the most wonderful, heartwarming experience in the world and I'm yet to find anything that comes anywhere close! It's not as bad as you may think, love from Isla's mommy.