The Beginning

I found out we were expecting our second child on the first one's third birthday.

I awoke that morning with tingling breasts and a sense of dread. Rolling over to my husband, I told him then even though it was 6 AM on a Sunday he needed to find a pregnancy test. So on a cold January morning, he drove to the nearest BP garage and asked the bored, gum chewing assistant to pass him a Clearblue from behind the counter. She must have thought him odd; a tattooed, long haired surfer-esque guy in tracksuit pants and a green t-shirt with holes in the sides (which I keep telling him to throw out) grinning from ear to ear as he thanks her and drives home with the precious cargo.

I was up with the eldest by this point and anxiously awaiting his return. We had presents to open and a party to prepare for. I'd already taken my usual codeine effervescent and two tramadol because this could be the last time I could do so without guilt. I didn't know yet therefore I couldn't beat myself up. I hid in the bathroom, pressing my sore breasts and vaping a sickly sweet mixture in a cheap e-cigarette, my other crutch. When he arrived home I told him to disappear downstairs with the boy and let me pee in peace. I knew he was giddy with excitement. I still couldn't shake the dull ache in my chest.

When the words flashed up on the digital screen I felt a wave of panic, then excitement, then more panic. The excitement came from knowing I'd make my husband happy with this news and I couldn't wait to tell him. Bounding downstairs, I covered my mouth with a hand, still clutching the peed-on stick. I turned to the boy and said, "You're going to be a big brother." He stared at me, bemused. My husband stood up, grinned like a Cheshire Cat on steroids and hugged me. I was happy, I told him, but also terrified. He said he was terrified too but this is what we needed to complete our family. I nodded and smiled. I didn't tell him that the actual reason I was terrified was because I was hopelessly dependent on pain pills and in the worst place of my life. I'd been having panic attacks. I'd finally accepted I needed medication to control my anxiety and now I'd have to come off it. I hugged him and smiled, secretly feeling ashamed.

We spent the rest of the day in a haze that only a pregnant couple can understand. The knowing glances at our eldest's party where people asked how we were. The feeling of carrying around a big secret that was just ours. The fear and shame that just after we'd found out I wrestled with my own mind and ending up popping another tramadol as it might be the last time. "It's fine, the baby isn't a baby yet," I told myself in the mirror.

Little did I know that this was just the start of my journey. A journey that would take me to the farthest reaches of my own mind, test my strength in ways I never thought possible and ultimately spit me out the other side, right back where I started.