Thanksgiving

For years, Thanksgiving has been an afterthought in my family. Seemed like we always went from fun in September and October of Halloween directly into the festivities of Christmas in November and December. Aside from the Football games on Thanksgiving and the shopping afterwards, there wasn't much love for turkey day. We would go to an aunt's or uncle's house or my mom's cousin's house for the meal. No real traditions. No real celebrations. Just another day to get together with the family. My mom wasn’t big on cooking a Thanksgiving feast. I remember probably 2 or 3 times she hosted dinner for the day. The holiday never really had any significance for us. Just eat and watch football. Just like anything else in life, the day holiday took on a more significant meaning after the lose of my mom, which in turn helped to build my relationships with my family.

Reaching 41 years in age is not easy. I have learned a lot of things over the years, but I also lost things over the years. No doubt the biggest loss in my life was the death of my mom 13 years ago. Her death was a huge void for my family. She was the matriarch of our family. Sure, dad had a say in things. However, as far as my brother, sister, and I were concerned, everything we knew and did revolved around our mom. She was the social type with lots of friends (a stark contrast to me) and was always looking for things to do and see. Quite often, I would go (voluntarily or not) with her to whatever social event was going on. We had our traditions for Easter, New Year’s Eve, Christmas Eve & Day, and other events. Over the years, though, the family bond was straining as my siblings and I grew up and apart. We each wanted to do our different things in life. Well, I didn’t, since I wasn’t a social person. But my siblings did. They would go out with their friends while I sat at home. My dad and I were not close like me and my mom. My dad and I had common interests and a few discussions, but we never really bonded.

Personally, I never really understood Thanksgiving. It wasn’t like Halloween, which is my favorite. It wasn't like Christmas Eve, either, where we had (and still do) the tradition of visiting an aunt and uncle's house. There was no big TV shows or movies for the holiday (excluding Planes, Trains, & Automobiles). It just didn’t seem like a big deal.

That changed when my mom passed away in March of 2004. It was sudden and shocking. With her passed away, my family and I felt lost. Disassociated. I lived alone in an apartment. My sister just bought a house by herself. My brother and father lived together. When my brother bought a dog, things got real ugly at their house. My brother and I ended up moving in together in different settings over the years. A strain developed over our different personalities. That first Thanksgiving after my mom died, the four of us went over to the cousin’s house, more for to have a place to be rather out of wanting to be there (not that there was anything wrong with them. They are wonderful people!) but there was a huge void in the air. My mom was the glue that bonded the family, and that bond was broken.

The following year, my sister had the idea of hosting Thanksgiving dinner at her house. And she wanted me to help, in that I would handle the cooking. It was nothing more than an attempt in starting our own tradition. It was a daunting task. I had experience as a cook for years, so I knew my way around the kitchen. But I wasn’t a host. Over the years I had done the cooking for Super Bowl parties and birthdays, but never a Thanksgiving feast. My sister is perfect as a host due to her outgoing personality, but she is lost in the kitchen. It could have begun a wonderful yearly tradition that the family looked forward to every year. Or it could have been an utter disaster, relegated to the annals of embarrassing family moments.

The first year was a little trying. Since I never cooked a turkey, or anything related to a Thanksgiving meal, it was definitely trial and error that first year. Planning the menu was a shot in the dark. Shopping was stressful in wondering how much product to get. Finding just the right recipe was daunting. Most importantly, coordinating everything with my sister. We never collaborated on anything before this dinner. It usually was just random, play it by ear fashion. Now, we wanted to prepare a meal and help the family enjoy a holiday we didn’t give two thoughts about. It was a lot of give and go between us, arguing over sizes and who would make what. The timing of having the turkey ready and heating up all the side dishes was really rough those first couple of years. But, as anything else in life, the more you do something, the better you get at performing the task. And lucky for us, we have been doing Thanksgiving dinner for 13 years in a row now.

Everything got easier. I found recipes and made the necessary modifications for mealtime. Shopping was easier as I learned from the previous how much to buy and how to look for the best possible product and pricing. The menu has stayed, for the most part, the same. I handle most of the menu, with my sister doing a side dish and pies. We had aunts and uncles over, who would bring a side dish as well. But for the most part, it was the day for my sister and I in preparing, serving, and hosting our family for an annual tradition that everyone looked forward to having. There have been location changes over the years. We have lost some people, and we have gained some people. But the core of the group, 8 of us, has been doing it every one of those 13 years.

The more we do our Thanksgiving meal over the years, the more I think back to my mom. In a weird way, it is because of her void that we have become closer over the years. This is something we probably wouldn’t have attempted if she was still here. It took her death for us to realize we, as adults in our 20’s, should create our own traditions and memories. Why Thanksgiving? I am not sure. I am grateful, though, to have the opportunity to do something for my family, and build that relationship between us. A day for thanks and counting our blessings took on a new significance. Maybe it was just fate, as I am the culinary one of the family, and my sister is the planner and host of the family. Separately, we would not have been able to pull it off. Together, though, we make a good team. We compliment each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Every year, we relish in the chance to bring the family together, create memories, and able to provide a Thanksgiving feast that is rewarding. Now, it is what we talk about all year around. Getting together for the holiday, eating, and being with family. That is why Thanksgiving is special to me. To give back to my family. Create memories. Being with people. I do, dearly and wholeheartedly, wish my mom was around to experience what we have created on this day. She would have been proud of my sister and I in how we work together and host a party for the whole family. She would have loved it and enjoyed all the fantastic food. She is still with us, in spirit. She has made the family bond stronger by having us realize what we were missing in our lives. It took a little while for us to get our bearings. But we are a stronger family because of it.

I don’t know how many more years we will do Thanksgiving dinner. Life is so unpredictable. Throws us curve balls when we are not expecting them. Gives us highs and lows from year to year. Its why Thanksgiving has gained in significance over the years. A chance to count our blessings and be thankful for each other. A chance to continue building the relationship of family. One death does not define us. It's how we respond afterwards that does define us.

Luckily for me and my family, we are able to come together, relax, enjoy delicious food, and continue to build the bond between us.