Surviving Loss

People do not truly look at things in life. We experience so much during our every day but yet we miss it as it happens. We do not notice these things until they are brought to our attention. Today I notice every ounce of detail that God sends my way. Whether it's the gorgeous blue skies or the color of the mountains in spring. For the last year and 2 months, I have looked at everything and everyone in life so much more closely than I did back then. I take every day as a gift and every opportunity as a sign. In the past I was never one to preach to God for help or to pray for a sick friend. I always believed in God but on April 16, 2017, I really looked to him for guidance and strength. On April 16, 2017, I had woken up to a phone call that no mother ever wants to hear. A phone call that would put you in a state of shock, a phone call that you would never think you would recover from. My youngest son, Bretlin, who is 2-years-old and just a month shy of 3, did not wake up that morning. This day was Easter Sunday, and all kids on Easter Sunday run to their baskets and look for the goodies the Easter Bunny had left them. But God had a plan for Bretlin that no one knew of but God himself, and I believe Bretlin knew too. At the moment of receiving this phone call, I was in New Jersey visiting with family and Bretlin was spending the weekend with his father. I was three hours away from home! To get a call and to be that far away from him crushed me. I cried the whole way back. Still in shock and disbelief, I prayed to God to save him but it was too late. I praise the Lycoming County Coroner for waiting for my return, just so I could see him before he was taken away. My sweet Bretlin was healthy and was never sick! During the week he was fighting a head cold and was seen by the doctor. Medicine was prescribed to treat a small ear infection. He was perfectly fine and getting better come time for him to go to his father's. Later we were notified of his cause of death. They told us that the medicine was not treating the ear infection like it should have. While he laid to rest the night before, all ready to wake the next day for the Easter Bunny... Bretlin's heart stopped in his sleep at 4 AM Easter Morning. The infection in his body had attacked his heart, causing it to stop in his sleep. Going peacefully with the lord, I envision God holding his little hand and walking at his side to the gold gates. The day before I had spoken to Bretlin on the phone and the last thing he said to me was "Wuve you, Mama." My forever favorite words!

Since that very moment of losing my baby, and yes he was my "baby," my youngest and baby brother to my oldest son who at the time was 5 years. But since that moment, I have looked to God and now Bretlin to heal me from the loss. I know I will never heal from the loss of a child, but I know I am given strength every day, strength that I never knew I had to continue to go on with life. I cherish every moment I had with Bretlin during his short-lived life. Family and friends that knew him absolutely adored him and his smile would touch the souls of those he didn't even know. I am forever thankful for the amount of people and the community that came together and helped us have a beautiful ceremony for him. Through kind donations, we were able to get him a beautiful headstone for his grave. Just by the amount of people and the way everything turned out for his "celebration of life," I knew right there that this was Bretlin's plan in life. That whole week of emotion and sadness, God was speaking to me in ways most would not even take notice. Now it has been a year and 2 months since his passing. My sweet Bretlin would have been 4 years old by now and ready to start head-start. I know he has everything he will ever need in heaven but it's not the same without him physically here with his brother and I.

Some may wonder how my oldest son has been doing since the loss of his baby brother. The same day we had broken the news to him, he had a look of sadness on his face but no tears. Since then I believe he has grown a bit of understanding and talks often about his brother. He always wishes he could be here and that he misses him every day. We visit him often and now my oldest will talk to him, whether it is at his gravesite or just simply talking to the sky. There are moments he will just cry 'cause he misses him and it's hard 'cause mothers are supposed to have the answer to their children's problems. In these moments, I just cry with him. I hold him and cry with him and tell him how I feel too. It seems to help his pain just as much as mine.

In the months leading up to Bretlin's unexpected passing, I've grown to know a man better. Even though we have known each other years before and through my folks, we grew closer together. Until today we are still so strong. I sit back and look at the amount of happiness and support this man has given to me. I believe God sent him in my direction so that someday our paths would cross. I would have never of thought that I would find love in a man from Clinton, New Jersey. That is a travel of 3 hours from my hometown of Central, Pennsylvania. With the little time that he had with Bretlin, it was always a joy. Bretlin looked at him with so much fun and he looked up to him, wanting to do the same things he did. During Bretlin's passing, this small-town, NJ man was by my side the whole time. I have never felt so much love and compassion from a man. God gave me this man because he knew I needed him during this time. From that moment on, years and years down the road, I will always need him by my side. He has proven to be my rock, support, and comfort. I look at my life with him so much more closely and to every detail. I thank God for him every day!

Now everything in life that I do or see, I do it for Bretlin. I do things better with my oldest son, every moment matters. I know that life can be cut short quickly without a simple sign and I live my life to my full capacity. After Bretlin's passing, I struggled to find a comfort in life and to be normal again. I realize the "old" me will never be again. The passing of my son was like a rebirth of myself. I have my moments where I am trying to grab hold of life. I recently graduated and received my degree, so that was a positive to that last year. But getting the career with my degree was a struggle. Four jobs later and I believe I found a comfort in a career. This career is helping families and their children becoming stronger as a whole. I haven't been employed long but I can feel that this is a purpose for myself. The work that I do, I feel through that Bretlin brought me here and I just needed to build my strength and patience through my previous jobs. My journey has just begun with this career but I feel so confident in succeeding. My health is something that I have focused more on since losing Bretlin. Shortly after his passing, I think all I did was eat or do what made me happy. But this happiness would fade as soon as I saw the scale or my clothes began to fit snug... Next thing I knew I was shopping for bigger clothes. My weight has never been easy for myself throughout my life. I was always bigger than the rest, size 16 jeans and size XL tops. I was never fully comfortable in my own skin. So many times in the past I would try the "New Year, New Me" bit and start a workout routine right after the New Year. Then I would fall off the wagon somewhere and go back to eating junk and being "lazy." Since January, I have made a promise to not only myself but for my sweet Bretlin. I am going to eat better and I am going to work out. Here we are in June, I had my weeks of slow progress but I jump back on and give it a kick. I've lost 15 lbs since January. I've begun to build muscle and tone my body. I do not look at the scale anymore, but go by how I look and feel. I look at the way my clothes fit me and how they make me look. My gym routine consists of early mornings before work, a warm-up on the Arc Trainer and then weight training. Some days I focus on my arms and upper body, and some days on my legs and core. I'm making my body stronger everyday and improving my health. I'm doing it for both my sons. That and I've always wanted to be a MILF (sorry if that offends anyone reading). I have recently looked into Herbalife and advancing my strength by getting involved with Protein shakes, before and after the gym. My self-esteem has been amazing and so on. The gym helps with my stress as well. I feel like I have grown a money problem. Accounts overdraft so far it cuts into half of my paychecks. I try and look for solutions to save myself from this mess but then there is a bill that needs to be paid. It feels suffocating at times. I have an obsession with LuLaRue clothing and I blame my money issues on that. But yet I cannot blame anything or anyone but myself for this position I've put myself in. It hurts. I feel that my stress from it feeds my gym obsession. I know I can do better. I just pray for some help and guidance! Thus bringing back to God.

I know I can't undo the past and bring my son back. Moments I get so weak and beg and beg, but then reality kicks in and I just pray that heaven is beautiful for him. Sometimes I think maybe I should speak to someone. Would it really help me, help me cope better, help me get out of my rut of money issues... who knows? I know I will just continue this life, living in the memory of my son, Bretlin. I will live in his honor and thrive to always do better for myself. I am constantly looking to God for answers and guidance. I know God was there for me the day he called Bretlin home. I just pray for the strength to always push onward.

Take a moment and go outside. Take a hard look at your surrounds and experience the true beauty of life and what it has to offer you. Before I never took the time to really "look," but now, I do it quite often.

Forever in my heart and forever my baby, Bretlin<3