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Stepparenting for Beginners

For those who are currently stepparents or in a relationship with someone who has a child, these few tips should help smooth out a few bumps.

By Hali MoorePublished 5 years ago 7 min read
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Being a stepparent is the most difficult part of my marriage. I've known my husband since we were young children and we get along perfectly—well, most of the time. We communicate when something bothers us and we compromise with each other. And even before we were officially dating, I knew his son was always going to be part of him. His son is five now and officially being "stepmom" has come with more hurdles than I ever thought there would be. Hopefully these tips will help with some of your own hurdles.

1. Your significant other is the main disciplinarian. Back off.

This has been one of my hardest pieces of advise to follow for myself. I am a strict parent because I grew up having those kinds of limitations. I have imposed limits on screen time, dessert only happens when he eats every bite of his dinner, and he will always use his manners or he doesn't get a single thing he asks for. My husband, however, grew up with his parents buying him anything he ever wanted without working for it, junk food all day, and staying out till goodness knows when without any repercussions. Thankfully, he mostly agrees with my style of parenting. The problem is making sure he does his fair share.

As the biological parent, your significant other should be the main disciplinarian, not you. You're supposed to be there for emotional support to the child and be the parent's backup when they do finally have to put their foot down. Now, if you're in a situation like me and your significant other has a more hands-off approach to discipline, open up communication to how to remedy the situation.

One example that has worked well for us is when my husband says to his son, "This is your final warning," I remind him the very next time the action happens so he can immediately discipline. He has a bad habit of giving a million "last chances" while I do not. It's helped show his son that his dad isn't a pushover and he means business, just like I do.

The main point here is to understand that it's not you that's supposed to be laying down the law. This isn't your child, you need to remember you have boundaries that you really shouldn't cross. Always ask your significant other where they think you should draw that line with their child and work out how best to keep that line.

2. Answer questions/emotional statements with sensitivity and honesty.

OK, if it's pretty clear that the child's other parent doesn't have all their ducks in a row, you're going to be asked some pretty emotionally charged questions or be blindsided with some pretty disturbing statements. My stepson's mother is constantly in a volatile living environment, and never sees her son for more than a few hours every couple weeks, even though we have a court order saying she has majority custody. It's just safer for him to be with us.

But being five years old, he doesn't understand why he can't go to his mother who is in a different apartment every few weeks. He's asked several times, "Why doesn't my mom have time for me?" and it just breaks my heart. Now that she's getting ready for a new baby on top of her precarious living situation, he's been even more marginalized than before. His most recent statement has been, "I guess she's too busy for me since my brother will be here soon."

Now of course, you should refute this. Refute everything negative that comes out of their little mouths. Regardless of the other parent's actual situation, you never let them think negatively about themselves. You remind them that both their parents love them very much and try to do what's best for them, even if they can't always see both parents all the time. This is where it gets a little tricky. You need to be honest as to why the other parent isn't around like they should be without setting blame. We tell his son he can't go to his mom's most recent living place because we don't know the people she stays with and so it's not safe.

But when he says she doesn't have time for him, we remind him that it's not because of the baby. It's because of the other environmental factors that his mother is dealing with. Every situation is different of course, but for the most part, you should be able to answer these kinds of emotional statements with some degree of honesty that is age appropriate. We tell him his mom is having some trouble because he's five, but if he were fifteen, we'd tell him the truth of what's really going on because he can understand the situation better. I recommend letting the parent be the one to address these statements as well. It's something that needs addressed and the best person to do it is their parent.

3. Speaking of absent parents, you are not there to replace that parent (no matter how good of a job you're doing).

I think this is the one I have the most trouble with, personally. I will readily admit I don't understand the bond between mother and child (maybe I will one day, we haven't gotten that far yet). I love him with all my heart, and I know it's still not the same since I'm not his mother. But I have helped this child for the last three years through things his mother should have been doing. While my husband's mom was potty training him, I was teaching him how to put on his clothes by himself. I taught him how to hold a fork properly. I began teaching him his letters and numbers before he got to preschool. I taught him how to write his name and count to one hundred. I taught him how to tie his shoes.

And at the end of the day, I am NOT his mother and I never will be. On Mother's Day, he doesn't make me a card at school. At parent-teacher conferences, his kindergarten teacher asks how much his real mother is involved. When we go out to eat, he corrects everybody who assumes I'm his mother and tells them, "She's not actually my mom. She's my stepmom."

I will admit, these all hurt. I love this child as much as I imagine I would love my own, but I have to remember that he's not. And you should too, because it's OK. That child loves you just as much as their other parents, they just give you a different title. When they're little, they don't always understand the weight of their words or their actions, and it's hard sometimes not to take it personally.

As they get older, or if they already are, you have an opportunity to be their friend. Which their parents don't have the luxury to do. Parents can't be friends to their children, it's a dynamic that really doesn't work well if they're going to be the disciplinarians. But you don't have that restriction. Foster that friendship and affection, because they're going to need it when they're older.

4. Ask for help from a counselor when you feel like you've got nowhere to turn.

I have a pretty good support system myself. Both of my parents are stepparents to each other's children from their other marriages and rock at it. My sister's husband is an amazing stepdad to her oldest son. And my stepson's counselor is always willing to make an appointment for me to talk with her for an hour if I'm at my wit's end. School counselors will be exactly the same. They deal with parents and stepparents alike and are always willing to help out if you ask their advise. They see your stepchild eight hours a day at school and know how they act when you're not around and can offer some advise. It's their job. Don't be afraid to ask for help from a trained professional.

Just keep in mind they don't want to hear your venting any more than your significant other does. They will offer their help if you're really looking for it, otherwise anything they say is going to sound like they're putting you down. I've been to a few sessions with my stepson's counselor where she told me I was wrong and I needed to look at the situation for what it really was, not what I was twisting it into. Sometimes that outside perspective is necessary to make sure you're not accidentally creating a negative environment for that child.

In the end, we're all human and we all make mistakes when it comes to raising children. Stepchildren are no exception. As long as you're open with your significant other on where you both stand in this family dynamic and you have a support system for when you need it, it should all turn out fine. That child loves you just the same as the rest of their family, they just need to see you love them too and you've got it made.

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About the Creator

Hali Moore

I’m currently attending university, seeking my bachelor’s Degree in Wnglish Literature. I hope to be a writer and inspire others in ways that literature has inspired me.

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