Statistic in the System

I'm sitting here thinking where I could possibly begin this and, I'm realizing that you are 19 hours from here in a shared house with your soon-to-be in laws-probably sleeping with your girlfriend and current mother of your one and a half kids. While I've spent hours, and hours feeling depressed and saddened by your poor choices in fatherhood for the child you and I share. I blamed myself for a very long time, and sometimes I still do. How could I have been so wrong? What did I do to push you away? How am I going to explain this to my daughter?

I thought you wanted this. Well, at least that's what you said, and every single decision you've made thereafter that has displayed the exact opposite. The day I had her you then left with your girlfriend back home. I remember the late night unanswered phone calls to your cell when I was alone and had our screaming infant only to have you tell me the next day "Try not to call so late because your girlfriend had to get up for work early." I was left livid and near tears at that. It took me a long time, but I've finally put my foot down. You wanted to move away. You chose to not be there for her up until this point in her life. You will not disappoint her anymore.

About a month ago now you made the decision to pack up what little you had left and make the drive out to where your girlfriend took your son and made up a make shift home among her family she has down there. I told you then, and I'll still stand by it now. I made the right decision to tell you not to contact my daughter or I. We are better off with out your inconsistent visits or random phone calls when the guilt begins eating away at you again. You fought me tooth and nail when I told you what I'd wanted. "I deserve to see her." "She can come down during the summers." "It isn't fair to her." Those were your arguments, but since your departure you've yet to call or text to ask how she's doing.

Not even a single acknowledgement that you even have a child up here who's asked for you more than once since then. On her recent trip to the dentist she looked up at me and asked, "Why can't Daddy bring me? He took me last time. I want to see Daddy." She was of course recalling her last time seeing you before the move out, even then I paid for lunch out. I made you take her into the exam room. You didn't have money nor the patience to deal with her then- on your absolute last time seeing her. It was my pathetic attempt yet again to make something special for her with you and I'm dumb enough to not regret it. I'd rather her remember you as someone that cared. Someone that enjoyed being around her instead of what you really were. Simply bored with no other plans to take up your day.

Look, I get it. She wasn't planned. I didn't plan for her anymore than you did. You're excuse of,"I didn't sign up for this" would be valid if making a child was a single person job. She's going to be five and has yet to spend a single night with her father. I've been there for her since day one in the hospital. I make due with what I have for her- and whether you agree with me or not I do a pretty damn good job for what I've got. I've never asked for anything from you except for little sentimental things. I didn't even want the child support. It was required of me to get it when I had turn to the state for the assistance I needed in raising our daughter. You've never been there for her, and I can say... now that you're really gone. I've never felt happier, but my sliver of joy is crushed when I have to unfortunately explain to our daughter for at least the 4th or 5th time this month that you've moved away and we more than likely won't be hearing from you again. I still don't think she gets it, but I will be here for her when she finally does. You may have chose to run, but I didn't. I will be here for my child throughout the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will raise her to know she can keep her head high, and know she has someone to love her and support her hopes, and dreams.

As I said before I don't expect to hear from you again. You've made that abundantly clear from you're lack of concern in her life in the last month you've been gone. "I'll call every Sunday." You promised. Yeah? Well my phone's been free and clear of your name on the caller id since the end of August. Her, nor I put you in the position to have to choose between your kids, and yet here we are- me; still a single mother, and her a fatherless child. Just another notch in your belt, and a new statistic in the system.