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Spirituality & Family

My Awakening

By Ellie MarshallPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Open yourself up to higher dimensions - you will never go back  

It was about 3 years ago I started to wake up. From a young age I wanted to believe that there was always something more, something bigger than us, and for a while believed that our only acceptable and believable option was God. I used to pray and respect Him, in secret as my family are total athiests and would never understand my need for this sense of security.

I used to have vivid dreams and now - being more educated than before realised I would also be in early stages of astral projection from as long as I can remember. So taking all of this into consideration, I have clearly always been open to the possibility of there being something more than us humans can comprehend. (I mean don’t get me started on the paranormal, this will come at another time).

So what inspired me to wake? But perhaps inspired isn’t the correct term, maybe impelled would be better. Well, it wasn’t a case of happening over night at all. I had lost all faith after my family went through some tough times and decided to move away and start a fresh. More specifically we had a few years of financial difficulties but my parents worked so hard to keep their heads above water for me and my four brothers but sometimes the storm is too strong and you can only tread water for so long before tiring yourself out.

We moved away from our problems and started a fresh, but only to find another few years down the line our problems just followed. My mother, who is the most extrodinary person I know, suffers from borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and abandonment/ attachment disorder. Of course we did not know this and saw very shallowly only from face value: her drinking had become worse, she had neglected the house and it’s finances and it was getting more and more difficult for her to face reality.

Now this caused arguments, especially having caught her drinking, as this was something we had all suffered with since I was about 9. It was a vicious circle: depressed - drink - depressed about drink - more drink. And so this continued, until one day, she snapped.

I was at home and things were not good, I went downstairs to catch her almost passing out on the floor. I confronted her and told her that she wasn’t being fair, and that she was selfish and cruel. That was the last time I saw her before my awakening, not necessarily spiritual but my understanding of mental heath and her disorder. My mother packed a rucksack and left the house. Before I could catch up with her, she had vanished. I felt awful, I felt his dread in my stomach and knew something bad would happen. We searched for her for hours into the night but couldn’t find anything. The next day, I awoke with a letter on my bedside. She told me she loved me and it was up to me now to look after my brothers and father and house. She said how she couldn’t be a mother anymore and what was the point. She told me that she didn’t want to feel what she felt anymore. And she told me her goodbye.

My heart shattered as a million thoughts started racing around in my mind. My first reaction was to tell the police, and as I explained the situation they sent a search party out immediately. Officers came to question me and my father whilst others searched the neared locations known for suicidal people.

It was in those hours that I begged and prayed and hoped and wanted my mother to be alive. All I could think about was what if it was too late? What if the last thing I said was that she was mean and selfish and cruel? My heart just couldn’t take it if that was the case. Hours later and by some miracle my mum was found safe and well at a local bridge. She was taken to a specialised hospital where she spent a whole month rehabilitating and recovering.

Now that is the very short version, but that story is what allowed me to wake. Those feelings I felt, that dread spurred on something in me, knowing she was alive and well, that opened up my heart to feelings of relief and love and pain I never thought exsisted. She was alive. And since then has made an amazing recovery. We still have relapses but we get through them. I am awake to her and her illnesses that will never leave, but she has managed to overcome them and come out at the other side a string, intelligent and caring woman. If I cannot be thankful and loving and giving to whoever made that happen - which could be God, or could be something we are yet to comprehend - then how can I ever be thankful for anything ever again?

You can never take things for granted. Cliche but true, because without my mother I honestly do now know what I would do. And everything in life happens for a reason, and now I meditate to keep my anxiety at bay, I was able to take myself off my anti-depressants because of my meditation, my healing crystals and being thankful.

I’m thankful for the grass, I’m thankful for my dogs, I’m thankful for my mothers life, and most of all I am thankful for life itself.

I. Am. Awake.

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About the Creator

Ellie Marshall

Hey! A 23 year old social work student.

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