Sometimes Life Throws Grenades

Sometimes instead of lemons, life throws grenades.

Miscarriage is never pretty.

A miscarriage, for all intents, is losing a baby that never was. Most are lost before 12 weeks, with most happening between 4 and 6 weeks. Life is more than a miracle than people realize with so many miscarriages being missed as the woman never realized she was pregnant. I have been through three. I can tell you that it is not a lemon life throws at you, it is a grenade. It shatters you in ways you didn't know you could shatter. It is not JUST the loss of an embryo, it is the loss of your child. It is all of the Christmases, and Halloweens, and every single milestone that that child will never reach. The first word, first steps and high school graduations are all taken from you in an instant.

You will hear the platitudes "It happened for a reason," "It was meant to be," "At least you know you can get pregnant," and my favorite, "There will be others, this wasn't a real baby yet." Try not to punch these people as much as you may want. As this is all being told to you, you are on a hormonal roller coaster that has suddenly hit a steep drop. You are grieving, body chemistry is changing, and you are delivering a baby to the world who will never take a breath. They may be so small you never see them, but you KNOW. Miscarriage is ugly and painful, but we are expected to carry on as if we did not suffer a tragedy. I am here to tell you we suffered. This is the ugly face of miscarriage, the silent suffering for fear of making others uncomfortable.

We weep and mourn our child no matter how far along we were. We look for any kind of solace we can. Some of us get angry and scream and shout at God, how could a benevolent God take an innocent baby? I have been there. My last miscarriage was last month, I'm still there. I do know from the past that I will move forward, but I will never forget this angel of mine. At any time I can tell you how old my children would be now (7, 4, and 10 weeks in utero for anyone wondering). For as long as there has been pregnancy and child birth there have been losses, why are we so secretive about these? These children don't matter less because they were not born. I choose to honor my children and speak about them no matter how uncomfortable it seems because THEY MATTER.

There will be painful events, Mother's Day or Father's Day, pregnancy announcements, baby showers, even walking around and seeing a pregnant woman or newborn can be crushing, vent your feelings and move forward. Cut your hair, get a tattoo, do something for you to keep your head up as best as you can and know that you are never alone.

Getting angry isn't always helpful, but sometimes it is the best solution in a given moment. You are allowed to be angry, hurt, sad, scared and confused. You are also allowed to live and find joy and happiness. There is no need to feel guilt for feeling normal. Life may throw grenades, but you can always put yourself back together.