Some Relief for Anne

I have been constantly asking myself how normal children experience coexistence with a mentally retarded sibling (e.g. Down syndrome), so I would like to share this article with you.

Bigger children and especially girls take actually more responsibility and care for their disabled sibling. Such responsibilities, however, usually have a high cost. This general finding that older sisters take a lot of responsibility and suffer for their disabled sibling results from a variety of studies in the past. According to these studies, the brothers and sisters of the disabled were more disappointed and anxious. The degree of stress was higher for those who are most involved in the care of the disabled child. Among the boys, the ones who had a disabled brother growing up in an institution and not at home seemed more anxious. It was also revealed that if the family's financial resources were sufficient enough to meet the demands of the disabled child without overburdening its normal siblings, the latter were more adaptable, feeling less guilty and unhappy, especially when the disabled child was staying at home instead of being placed in the institution. The reason for that was the suspicion that it might happen to them, too. In poorer families, where girls spend too much time in the care of their disabled brother, over-pressure was resulting in aggressive and difficult behavior, especially at school.

However, due to emotional dependence, normal siblings can act as healers for their mentally retarded siblings through endorsing or disapproving interferences, better than their own parents. By this procedure, normal kids enhance and improve their behavior, too.

There is no doubt that normal children pay some price. Parents may offer more time and greater priority to the retarded child. They are likely to be stricter with the normal kid. The oppression that normal kids may feel is not necessarily apparent to the parents.

The burden of responsibility of a retarded child is more appropriate to share proportionally with the members of the family and the normal child should be occupied more with his or her own social life.

We should encourage parents to become effective therapists for their retarded child and reassure the other children. Their participation in special programs benefits the family. Disagreements or persistent anxieties could be diminished. At last, parents should and can offer all children a home full of love.

A dear friend of mine told me a story about Anne.

This nine-year-old girl, Anne, became a woman earlier than her age and, even if she narrated stories with great sensitivity, she was ignorant of playing with her peers. Imagine that, at the age of nine, her parents away from home to work, she found herself taking care of her small retarded brother, steadily following after the path to a more serious lifestyle full of responsibility and perfection. There was a relationship of reliance between her and her brother. He used to express words of love for his sister who, every time she was asleep or awake, was so worried about him. Her concerns were keeping her away from other people. In order to forget her worries about her brother, she would read a good book to get him out of her mind. Even if she loved him, she often expressed frustration and anger about his behavior. The thought that she would have to endure for the next years of her life the burden of his unpleasant behavior and immaturity tortured her. In her case, devotion appeared one-sided. Although they were sentimentally attached to each other, loyalty, understanding, and sacrifice should be secured only by her. In other words, giving while emptying.

Dedicated to Dino.