Sirena Mercedes

November 2nd, 2016 was the day everything changed. It's crazy how it started as a painfully average day for me, yet something felt different.

"Something is wrong with you," My boyfriend said as I struggled to finish my fettuccine alfredo. I had shrugged off this feeling for a while now.

After dropping him off, I stopped by the nearest Redbox to drop off some movies for him and this weird feeling inside made me walk into the Vons and grab a pregnancy test.

"No way I could be pregnant..." I repeated over and over as I waited for the longest five minutes of my life to be over. My sister sat in her room, eagerly waiting for the results.

When I saw that positive, I immediately broke down in tears. Although a blessing, motherhood was a terrifying thought to me. I could barely take care of myself, how could I raise another human?

I couldn't sleep the next few nights. How could I be a mother? Everyone kept reminding me how disappointed they were and how my life was over and every other cliche imaginable.

I sat in the waiting room at my first appointment, thinking maybe I got a false positive or something. Luckily, I had my support team, consisting of my disappointed mother and terrified boyfriend. Great. They called my name and my stomach dropped.

They ran all the basic tests before going in for the first ultrasound which was internal. The discomfort and all the thoughts racing in my head went away once I saw the tiny heart beating on the screen. My baby. Suddenly my fear went away and I realized everyone was wrong-- this wasn't the end of my life, this was the beginning of it. That tiny heart gave me a purpose.

Once we shared our news and let everyone get over their anger, we become surrounded by love and support. I considered us to be incredibly blessed. Clothes, toys, diapers and just about everything we'd need started coming in from everyone we knew.

February 18th, 2017 came and we had a party planned. I was going to find out whether I'd have a son or daughter. Although totally overdone and a bit cheesy, I was super excited for the gender reveal and I learned that I was going to have a beautiful little girl. Sirena Mercedes. I knew from the start.

My 21st birthday passed and up until then, time had gone by so fast. Until I learned that I had gestational diabetes and needed insulin and my visits would have to be twice a week. I felt like such a failure to my unborn daughter. I was scolded by the OB/GYN and told that my daughter was measuring three weeks bigger than she should be and that if she had issues later on it would be all my fault. The stress, frustration and guilt kept eating at me and broke me down towards the end.

Visits were three times a week in the last two months and I was told I was going to be induced. Now that there was a set date of when she would be here, time went even slower and less enjoyable. The only thing that brightened my day was when she would kick.

"Please hurry," I would tell her almost every day. Until June 15th, when all I wanted was more time with her in my belly. I unpacked and repacked many times, made a list, took my last belly picture, showered, cried and prayed until my alarm went off at 6:00 AM on June 16th. Not a wink of sleep and now, to get ready for the hospital.

The past 39 weeks were nothing compared to these 23 hours. I napped for a bit to kill time until the contractions made me want to kill a person instead. Also, no food while everyone ate in my room. Not fun at all. I made it twelve hours without medication then I snapped. It wasn't because "natural is best" or "that's the way it's meant be", but because I'm terrified of needles amd the thought of a huge one going in my spine made me weak at the knees. I agreed to the IV medication and it helped for two hours and let me nap, but the pain returned worse than before. I was convinced that the epidural was the only way and went with it. Just my luck, they messed up and had to go through with it again. Second time was a charm and I was able to be numb and rest.

June 17, 2017 I wake up at around 8:00 due to a horrible pain/pressure in my butthole. I was finally fully dilated, but waited for another hour for the baby to drop more and it gave my mom enough time to get to the hospital.

It all became almost dream like and my heart started pounding when it was time to push. All my fear went away and I just went for it. It was the most amazing experience. The nurse brought in a mirror and let me watch my baby girl come out. This was my reason to live. This very moment was why I was put on this planet.

20 inches long, 8lbs and 8oz, Sirena Mercedes had entered the world at 9:27 AM on June 17th. My daughter was placed on my chest and we looked in each other's eyes. She took the past away, she took my pain away. I have a reason to be here and work to be the best I could possibly be.

I became a mother at 21 and she is now seven months old and absolutely incredible. Watching her grow has been such a bittersweet journey that I would happily do over and over again. I learned that I can be a mother, life doesn't end just because you get pregnant young, and I learned to really love.

To my daughter, please know that you are loved and truly blessed. You are so smart and I love watching you learn new things every day.