Signs You Have a Narcissistic Mother

Narcissistic personality disorder affects many people, and often leads to emotional abuse, especially when narcissists get married or have children. Narcissistic parents take advantage of their authoritative position to control their children in unhealthy ways. If you have a troubled or tenuous relationship with your mother, think about your experiences together as you read this article. If you notice a lot of similarities, it may mean you were raised by narcissists.

It is, however, important to note that just because your mother displays some of these traits, it doesn't automatically mean she truly has narcissistic personality disorder. Some mothers are overly strict or demand a lot from their children, and while that might not always be healthy parental behavior, it doesn't necessarily mean that a personality disorder is to blame. If you notice a chronic cycle of emotional blackmail, parental apathy, self-centeredness, and marginalization, take them as strong signs you have a narcissistic mother.

If you think you are the child of a narcissistic mother or father, there are a number of steps you can take to handle adulthood with a narcissistic parent. My first advice is to consider meeting with a licensed therapist, who can help you sort through the many conflicting emotions you are likely feeling. From there, you can decide whether or not you want to keep the narcissist in your life.

She tries to live through you.

Because they aren't capable of caring about anyone else besides themselves, narcissistic parents will often live vicariously through their children in an unhealthy way. For example, children of narcissistic parents will often be forced to participate in activities they aren't really interested in because their mother or father enjoyed it and wants to relive their "glory days."

One of the signs you have a narcissistic mother might be if she forces you to participate in beauty pageants, dance competitions, or some other activity that you have no interest in. Many parents do urge their kids to participate in extracurricular activities, so this doesn't automatically mean you're the child of a narcissistic mother. However, if your mother forces you into a hobby you obviously hate, saying things like, "I always wanted to be on a dance team and never could, so you should be grateful," this is a major red flag.

She victimizes herself.

Disagreements and arguments are a common feature of all households: No family gets along 100 percent of the time. However, people with narcissistic personality disorder will always find a way to place themselves at the center of any argument, even if the argument doesn't involve them at all.

You might find yourself having an argument with another family member about anything at all, and your mother will suddenly appear and ask if you're talking about her. She may even start defending herself or retaliate by trying to guilt trip you, or attack you with insults even if your argument had nothing to do with her. If this scenario rings true in any way, then you may be dealing with a narcissistic mother.

She ignores your needs.

Because narcissistic parents focus on themselves before anyone else, children of narcissistic parents are often tragically neglected. A narcissistic mother is likely to be far more interested in her own social life, career, or hobbies than taking care of her kids. You might be the child of a narcissistic mother if it seems like she's only ever doing her own thing, leaving you in the care of the other parent, a nanny, another family member, or yourself.

Again, this is just one of many possible signs you have a narcissistic mother, and it's possible that a physically or emotionally absent mother is a byproduct of a different type of issue. The more criteria on this list she meets though, the more likely she is to truly have narcissistic personality disorder.

She is easily offended and unable to accept criticism.

Because narcissistic people have a constant need for attention, they'll tend to use just about any statement as an excuse to be offended. You might mention in passing that your new significant other is good in the kitchen, and your mother will suddenly snap back with, "Well I've cooked lots of great meals for you, haven't I?" Simply put, narcissistic parents don't like to hear compliments about anyone else.

Based on how offended she gets when she even thinks she's being criticized, you can bet it only gets worse when she's actuallybeing criticized. Whether it's a simple mistake in the kitchen, or a deeper discussion about parental neglect, a narcissist will never concede that they're in the wrong. If these scenarios sound familiar to you, you may be dealing with a narcissistic parent.

She's emotionally dependent on you.

When living with a narcissist, children are often coerced into taking care of their households, especially if the mother is a single parent. A narcissistic mother may lay on the couch all day, making her children do all the housework. She'll nap or watch TV while her children clean the house, entertain themselves, and prepare dinner. Any time her kids complain or ask for help, the mother will defend herself by saying something like, "Do you have any idea how hard I work for you kids?"

This dependency can take several forms as well. In particular, it's common for narcissistic parents to become emotionally dependent on their children, treating them like a free therapist. This can lead to the parent and child becoming emotionally dependent on each other, making it difficult to break the cycle of codependency. If you've had to take care of your mother in this way and have experienced this sort of emotional blackmail, these are strong signs you have a narcissistic mother.

She frequently claims to be "misunderstood."

A trademark excuse used by all kinds of narcissists is, "I feel so misunderstood." People with narcissistic personality disorder will use this catchphrase as a blanket statement to invite attention and rationalize their own behavior. Narcissists incorrectly believe themselves to be the center of the universe and the focus of everyone's attention. Because this obviously isn't the case, their children and other people in their lives don't always act in the way the narcissist wants or expects them to. Being "misunderstood" is the narcissists way of deflecting any notion that they aren't better than everyone else. If you're the child of a narcissistic mother, you've likely heard her blame you for "misunderstanding" her any time you have a disagreement.

Every conversation ends up being about her.

At this point in the list, you're probably familiar with the fact that narcissists demand attention. Narcissistic parents will often insert themselves into situations that don't involve them, but it's not enough for them to just be part of the conversation. The conversation also has to be about them, and if it isn't, the narcissist will make it so. You could be having a conversation about literally anything—politics, a trip you took, a TV show—and your mother will ignore whatever you're saying, instead abruptly shifting to whatever is on her mind. This is usually something about her personal life, like dates she's been on or vacations she's planning for herself or complaining about how her children don't love her enough. If you're the child of a narcissistic mother, you probably have never had a conversation with her that didn't eventually steer back around to her talking about herself.

She's unhealthily competitive.

Most parents will frequently let their children win races, board games, or hide and seek. This helps to foster a healthy competitive spirit in the children as they learn the importance of winning and losing. Narcissistic parents, on the other hand, lack the emotional awareness to ever let their child feel like they won anything. This behavior goes far beyond simple games, as children of narcissistic parents will recognize.

A narcissistic mother may constantly feel the need to seem younger or prettier than her daughter, dressing up or even getting plastic surgery to do so. To this end, a narcissistic mother may even flirt with her daughter's spouse because she doesn't want anyone besides her to receive any sort of attention. This competitiveness can show up in other ways too, such as a parent trying to become more financially successful than their children, showing off with jewelry, home renovations, and other displays of wealth in order to marginalize their children's financial success.

She's always putting you down.

Because narcissists have to view themselves as superior to everyone around them, they often put people down in order to feel better about themselves. Sadly, this is especially true of narcissistic parents, who are usually quick to point out how much better they are than their children. While many parents can be overly critical of their children, parents with narcissistic personality disorder will pretty much never say anything complimentary to their kids.

A narcissistic mother will constantly try to lower her children's confidence by insulting their intelligence, criticizing their weight, or calling them a burden. They will also marginalize any and all of their children's achievements, either making nit-picky statements about their performance or rejecting the accomplishment outright. If you've experienced any of these sorts of insults, they are strong signs you have a narcissistic mother.

She doesn't care about you or anyone else.

The single most defining characteristic of a narcissist is a lack of empathy. This trait pervades all the red flags on this list because this lack of empathy is at the core of everything that makes narcissists what they are. This is something you can probably sense if you're the child of a narcissistic mother: No matter what she does, you can tell that your needs are never at the front of her mind.

Narcissistic parents only care about their own thoughts and feelings, never allowing the child of a narcissistic mother or father to feel emotionally validated. This form of neglect is one of the most dangerous traits of a narcissistic parent because the damage it inflicts on a child can cause them to develop narcissistic personality disorder themselves, making it difficult to break the cycle of abuse.