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Shattered Dreams

A Pain that Never Goes Away

By M WPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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I am 26 years old and there’s nothing in the world I want more than to be a mother.

My wish FINALLY came true about a month ago. My period was late (which never ever happens) and I was not experiencing my usual premenstrual cramps or migraine. After two days, I decided to take a test. It was positive!

My boyfriend and I had not been trying, but we also had not been doing anything to prevent pregnancy. We’ve just been leaving it up to chance for the last year. It had taken so long to happen, I was beginning to think we just would not be able to conceive on our own.

I was over-the-freaking-moon excited. My boyfriend’s sister had just been involved in a car accident earlier in the week, so I waited a day to tell him just so I wasn’t adding stress to his life. But when I finally got to share the news, he was excited too. I’ve never been more in love with him than I was that day.

Immediately, we started planning our budget for the next nine months, and thinking about either moving from our one bedroom apartment or maybe staying and getting creative to make room for our bundle of joy. I began compiling baby registries so they would be perfect and ready to go when we finally got to announce our news, and shopping for the cutest ways to tell our families. This was the happiest I think I’ve ever been.

I made my first prenatal appointment on the Monday after getting my first positive home tests. The next day, my car was totaled (it was hit while parked outside of work and I was not inside of it). I felt so lucky that I had not been in the car, because that is exactly the kind of thing I was worried about happening.

The next day, Wednesday, I felt a little uncomfortable and had some cramps. That night, I started bleeding.

I knew right away what was happening, but I tried to stay positive. My boyfriend held me in bed while I sobbed, this was the first time in our year-long relationship that he had seen me cry. He encouraged me to talk to my mom, but I was reluctant because this was not how I pictured telling her I was pregnant. I had to text her because a phone call would have been too hard to get through.

The next few days passed with two trips to the hospital for blood draws. Confirmation: I had a super early miscarriage. Didn’t even make it to five weeks.

It has been four weeks since this happened. I have restarted my menstrual cycle. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I did not expect to have the feelings of the first day come rushing back. I’ve done a good job of not thinking about it until now, but once I got home from work yesterday, I let myself remember I’m reminded of how quickly it happened, and how there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I don’t like feeling helpless.

My poor boyfriend has been struggling, too, but for different reasons. He’s sad we’re not going to be parents for a while longer, but what really bothers him is not being able to help me through it. He didn’t have the same instantaneous love for the little bundle of cells that was growing, he didn’t have to go through the physical symptoms of losing them.

I should be almost nine weeks along now. I should be planning to announce my pregnancy to my friends and family on Facebook. I should be happy. I should be a mother. But I’m not, and I’m terrified to go through this again. My desire to be a mother will win, though, and I’ll do my best to get pregnant again. Hopefully with a better outcome next time.

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About the Creator

M W

I’m a 26 year old nanny, who loves dogs and kids. Co-habitating with my boyfriend of not-quite a year, figuring life out together.

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