Sharing My Kids with My Ex Is Not What I Expected

When I decided that I wanted to get divorced, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders. But that was quickly replaced with a massive anvil. My six year old daughter is from a previous relationship. Now, before you go on a massive journey trying to figure it out, I’ll explain!

When I was 14, I fell in love with my first real true love! It was a typical teenage relationship. The one that shatters you and you refuse to let your heart fully go to another person again. No I didn’t get pregnant at 14! We were together for a little over a year and then he realized I was insane and put an end to it. (Just kidding! But I mean, come on. A 15 year old girl, I’m sure I’m not far off!) But this man and I always crossed paths. When we were 19 we were both single and living in the same city again. Naturally that comfort and familiar feeling came flooding back and we were seeing where it would lead. One day he was at a family gathering and I felt off. It didn’t even occur to me that I could be pregnant. But I had a test in my bathroom and thought, meh! Why not. Then it said positive.... I was a mess. How could I be pregnant!? This had to be a mistake. I could barley take care of myself! I called, let’s call him Tom, immediately. Tom had always been a crazy smart guy. One of those naturally smart people who never study’s and gets A’s. YA! That jerk... sigh. He was going to university and had a crazy bright future ahead of him. He in no way left me, abandoned me, or hung me out to dry. But he felt that he wasn’t in a place to be a dad and I wanted to be a mom. So I moved home to BC from Alberta to be with my family. He has always been there for not only our daughter but for me too. He’s a wonderful guy.

Now, with that little background, let’s get back to the anvil. When I met my ex husband, Tom was very happy that I was happy. As Tom and I lived in different provinces, it was hard for him to be there for our daughter. So he backed off and let my ex husband become her dad. My daughter has only know my ex husband as “dad.” She knows Tom and that he created her. That has never been a secret. But when I knew my marriage was over I realized I would have to tell Tom. That there would be a very real scenario that Tom would be disappointed, mad, question me as a mother. I remember calling him with tears in my eyes and a very shaky voice. As the words came out of my mouth it was reality. That I was taking the steps to truly end what I thought was happily ever after for my daughter and I. Tom was once again, wonderful and supportive. Whatever I needed to do to be safe and happy he was fully on bored with.

When my ex and I separated, we decided to do a week on week off schedule with our kids. As I have never had a break from my kids and my ex always did I was in HEAVEN! I’m sorry if that makes me a “bad mom” but I was having a week all to myself. A week where I would come home from work and I didn’t walk in the door to, “What’s for dinner!? I’m so hungry and the kids are complaining...” A week where I didn’t have to worry about baths, bed time, teeth brushing. I was free for just a moment and I loved it. I was able to start my social life back up. Which was not easy. But I did it! I started getting to have one on one time with my parents and friends that had all been pushed away.

For a little while it was great. My kids seemed happier. I was happier, and in turn I think a better mom. A few months after my divorce, I started seeing someone that I had known for over 10 years. It was not planned, but is and was so perfect in my eyes. This threw my ex husband off badly. I didn't even consider his feelings at all. He was seeing someone already and I was happy and moving on with my life. But as a narcissist who is still trying to hide his true self to his new girlfriend I am the only one who he can control. Well, who he felt he could control. So when I was branching out, having fun and becoming happy, he was seeing that his control was going away and he hated it! This is when sharing my children became hard. My ex was saying things about me, horrible things about me, to my children. He was using them as a way to fight, threatening to keep them from me. Telling me he would take me to court. The list goes on. My daughter is just mine. All mine. Not his, and I was allowing this monster to be near her. That was hard. Our son is a different story because he is a child of our marriage. I didn't want him to be alone and his sister has always been with him. She has always been such a wonderful advocate for him. I don’t want to take her away from her brother. Or her father for that matter. But I feel so frustrated when I am trying to raise them in a certain way, and then I feel like all of my parenting is undone the week that they are gone.

It has been such a hard road to navigate. My spouse and I notice that Thursdays are horrible because the kids get extremely anxious the night before they go back to their dad's. Also Fridays when they come home are hard because we have to essentially have to re program them. Remind them about the rules in our house, that we don't hit, speak to each other in a rude manner... etc, etc.

But what’s the alternative? Was I going to stay in an abusive relationship and get to be a mom 24/7? Where I was exhausted and completely depleted where I was on my own anyway. Or share them, but then have 50% of their lives be a mystery to me. I don't think there is an easy answer. I think at the end of the day, you have to weigh out what you need the most.

For me, it was time to be alone. To grow and figure out who I was. While my ex husband was not a good husband to me in anyway, he is the light in my children's lives. The way my children talk about him makes me realize that they are getting to re-know the man that I once loved. The man I married all those years ago who disappeared on me. Which makes me so happy for my kids. That’s the man they deserve in their lives. I wish that my ex and I had a relationship where we talked about everything and shared what the week was like while the kids where with us. But we don't. Our communication was horrible when we were "in love." It wasn't about to get better now. So I do the best I can with what I have on my weeks. I will not work overtime when I have my kids. My time is dedicated to them. I don't worry about the house when they are home, or laundry as much. I just want to be with them, and enjoy them. I want them to see how loved they are. The week that they are gone is when I “clean” (it’s mainly my spouse haha, I can’t really take credit) and I focus on overtime and making money. Where I focus on my spouse and his needs, I feel that I have found a nice balance. But I am missing things. Big things. This morning was Christmas. It was the first Christmas I woke up without my kids. It was odd... I cried quietly to myself as I heard my spouse starting the coffee downstairs and finishing last minute things. I got to see my children at 1:00pm on Christmas day. They had woken up with their dad and his girlfriend. It was them that got to see the excitement in my children's eyes when they saw that Santa had come. They got to experience the magic that is Christmas morning. While I sat at home, drinking coffee and watching football. Counting down the seconds until they were home.

It's hard, but I am still sitting here today, currently watching my children play with the toys that where under our tree, and my spouse playing with our puppy on the couch. It's the scene in front of me that reminds me that I am on the right path for me. Sharing your children isn't easy. I'm not sure that anything can prepare you for it. But in my heart I am happier then ever. So I will take the small heartaches of things that I am missing with my children, over the massive heartbreak that was my marriage.

Be brave, be a little bit selfish, and do what is right for you. Because the rest will fall into place. I talk to my kids all the time about their feelings and where they are at. That line of communication is always open to my children. I never speak poorly about their father to them. I try to take the high road and correct the wrongs that I observe. Am I making the right call? Who knows... but I think this life is better then what we had.