Second Baby Blues

If you’re reading this, chances are that you already have one child and you’re considering having a second.

I can only speak from experience, which is a twenty five month gap, but want to be totally honest that I found having a second baby within this age gap a bit of a shock.

My advice on what to consider if you’re planning the next one is:

Can your body cope with it?

Both my children were very much wanted and planned, but looking after a very busy and demanding toddler in my first trimester was tricky. You can easily feel overwhelmed from pregnancy fatigue, which could lead to disconnection between you and your little one.

I had more morning sickness the second time and experienced girdle pain, which made walking from around twenty weeks onward really painful. I could barely walk, let alone run, and we ended up staying indoors a lot, which caused a lot of frustration. Taking into account that my oldest son was just over one, he needed to learn to jump, but since I could only bounce my upper body up and down, he learned that bouncing is jumping.

Do you have help?

By help, I mean a village. Depending on which country you live in and what income you have, you might find yourself in this position with very little or no help.

I gave up my job willingly for a while. My husband and both wanted our children to be at home with me in their early years and knew we had to compromise when it came to earning a second income. Due to the cost of childcare in the U.K., we could no longer afford the £650 a month for my oldest to go to nursery two days a week.

We assumed we would get fifteen free hours once he turned three, but no nursery would take him just for those hours and we would end up having to spend the same amount just for him to get the free hours. And the nurseries were also very unfriendly when we emailed for information on how it worked.

We have no family here since we didn’t grow up here. And before anyone gets political and say we should go back to where we came from, please save your comments. All of my ancestors came from here in the first place. We also don’t want to burden our friends with constant requests for babysitting.

On weekends, my husband and I take turns to catch up on sleep, which means we have very little time together as a family.

Can you afford it?

For us, having a second baby who turned out to be another boy didn’t cost much extra. We doubled up in nappies since the oldest wasn’t potty trained yet, but breast feeding helped a lot as we didn’t need formula or bottles or sterilisers. It also helped us in saving time and we didn’t need to take much with us when leaving the house.

I’ve already explained the cost of childcare ,and if you had any complications and needed to fork out on that, it could really put a hole into your purse.

Meals

In our house, our toddlers ate different food than us. And soon, we would have a weaning baby. This meant different meals, which had to be prepared mainly by me. We learned very quickly to change our eating habits. The toddler had to learn to eat what we had, which meant that I had to make sure I had meals prepared as there were no more go-to hip organic meals.

When we started weaning our baby, he got exactly the same. Sometimes we had to process it to a pulp in the food processor, but we all ate the same which helped.

Tips to Survive a Small Age Gap:

Enjoy every second you can with your first child before the next one comes along. There is an endless amount of guilt that comes with a second child and you will want to know that you don’t have regrets over time you could have spent with the first child.

Prepare your older child as much as you can. Teach them how to be gentle, talk about the baby, show them other babies and tell them that soon they will have a sibling.

Remember that your older child will seem really big when you have another. Be kind, gentle and patient as you might expect them to do more than they are able to.

Include them where possible. When you come home with the baby remember it’s not just you who gained another child. Your older child just became a big brother or sister for the first time. It’s new to them but it should also be celebrated. They have been upgraded. Treat them that way. Ask them to help choose clothes for the baby or have a giggle with them about the baby burping. Tell the baby what a wonderful big sibling they have. Tell the older one how much the baby loves them. This will help to build the bond right from the start.

Make time to put the older one in bed at night if you have help with the baby. They want to know that they are still loved.

If you can, time their naps for different times do that you get one-to-one time with each of them.

Always ask the older one if they need anything before you start feeding the baby. It’s also very useful to use feeding time for special time. Some children have special toys that can only come out while baby is being fed. Others are allowed to watch a show on television. I used feeding time to read to my older son whilst nursing.

Dress both children (and yourself) with the first nappy change of the day. It’s amazing what a difference it makes. At least you can get out of the house anytime you like, or if one or both start crying.

Learn to live with tears and get over guilt. You cannot split yourself in half. It’s good for children to learn that they cannot get what they want when they want it or that sometimes people need to tend to others. Trust me, you don’t want to raise humans who think they are the centre of the universe. Sometimes they will cry. Sometimes they will get jealous. It’s OK.