Searching for Hope

My mind goes back to that first question. Why am I here and why now? I try to pinpoint when it all started.

I remember August 2, 2017 because that was the day my youngest child was born. I remember getting to the hospital at 5AM and getting prepped for the C-Section. I had one with my first so there was no question; for the safety of everyone, a C-Section would have to be done. I laid in the hospital bed for just over an hour while they pumped some fluids in me. I have never been good at staying hydrated so it was a good thing this was a standard procedure when it came to C-Section patients. I played my favorite radio station to keep me calm while the surgery was happening. Just the thought of someone cutting me open freaked me out.

At 7:51AM, Justin made his debut at 8 pounds, 4 ounces, and 20 inches long. My husband and I got to spend some time with our newest member of the family before guests started coming. Later that afternoon, Justin’s big sister of a whole whopping 3 years old, came to meet her baby brother. You could tell from the look on her face she was so proud. She was able to help the nurse do Justin’s footprints on the certificate of birth you receive from the hospital.

My husband, baby Justin, and I stayed in the hospital for four days while the nurses and doctor monitored my incision. The days were so long and it didn’t help that I couldn’t do anything but lay in bed the majority of the time. By the end of our time at the hospital, I was able to sit and walk some but I was in pain for the following two weeks. We had a friend who kept Jade aka big sis, while I recovered in the hospital. After I came home, my mom was there to help out with the kids and the house.

Jade is now four years old. She was born February 21, 2014. Her first birthday was a Minnie Mouse party. I remember getting the cake and hand making a lot of the decorations and snacks. That’s something I really enjoy doing: being crafty. Jade looked so adorable in her black onesie that said “I’m One!” on it and her pink tutu that I had also made. Jade was 19.5 pounds which was double her birth weight.

When Jade was born, I was in labor for 28 long, agonizing hours. After 45 minutes of trying to push the baby out, it ended with a C-Section due to her heart rate being too low and her having a fever too high. I don’t remember much about Jade’s birth because I would go in and out of consciousness. I remember having chills and feeling sick after they took Jade out of me. It was worse than having the flu and it seemed like hours before they wheeled me back to my room even though my husband told me it was only 20 minutes.

But I don’t think any of this triggered my being here today. Maybe it was the miscarriage that triggered all of this? June 29, 2016, I took a pregnancy test. It came back positive but the line was faint. I thought maybe I wasn’t far enough along in the pregnancy for a strong line yet so I waited a few days and tried again. I was excited that the test was positive as this was the moment we had been waiting for after Jade was born, but secretly I was worried. July 2nd I took another pregnancy test but the line was still faint. I went to the bathroom and something just didn’t feel right. I shouldn’t be bleeding. So I called up a friend to see if they would come and watch Jade while I went to the emergency room. Blood was drawn and ultrasounds were done. After several hours, the doctor came into the room and confirms my suspicion. My baby was gone. I cried for a while and called my husband to tell him the news. Even though we were sad and upset, we weren’t angry. We knew God had a plan and He was going to make something wonderful out of this horrible situation and He did because December 1, 2016 we found out we were pregnant with Justin.