My Nature

There is something truly ugly about me. A deep flaw I haven't figured out how to fix. In my eccentricities, I can't help that I am a walking contradiction, always grappling with the eternal battle raging on inside me. Amongst the worst of my contradictory characteristics is the battle between my ever-forgiving nature and my impassioned resentfulness. I can't help but to love everyone, I can't help but to forgive them their transgressions against me. Perhaps that has something to do with the repetition of the Lord's Prayer throughout my life, but it's something that I can't quite settle on whether or not it's a virtue or imperfection on my part. However, I am unable to forget those transgressions. My cynical bitterness overrides my loving nature in that aspect, and always there is the sour reminder of what someone has done against me held in the back of my mind. My overly-analytical brain can't help but to notice patterns of behavior and make predictions of how a person may act next.

The people I hold the most resentment towards are unfortunately members of my immediate family. The focus tends to shift every now-and-again, but usually settles on my brother. After all, the only reason I came into existence was for his entertainment purposes. My brother had five blissful years as an only child, during which time he procured the sympathy and pity of my mother's side of the family. How dare my mother not give her son a sibling to keep him company while his cousins each had theirs? After being chastised and guilted my mother caved and gave my brother his very own toy; a girl, six years his junior to call his very own little sister. His playmate. At first, I was that shiny new toy that had been begged for over the course of a significant time period. I was played with and adored, cared for. That lasted until after we had moved to the United States and my brother had made new friends in his new environment. A new playground, if you will. He quickly realized that it wasn't very cool to enjoy the company of your little sister and it was then that I was put on the shelf.

Oh how lonely I was when he was drifting away from me to be with friends, how I was annoying and clingy to gain his attention, how I still looked up to him and always believed him when he told me we were going to do something together, and how he continuously broke my heart when the plans fell through. All of which caused me to become disillusioned and resentful, slowly turning against him. There developed a struggle between loving my older sibling and losing respect for him from continuously getting my eyes opened to his ugly flaws. Of course, being constantly compared to him didn't help the situation at all.

The resentfulness didn't just fester from there; it was also due in part for making me feel shunned by the very person I cherished the most. I would get pushed away by my family friends, and instead of coming to my rescue, my brother would be part of the problem, sometimes merely allowing it to happen, other times actively participating in pushing me away. I guess that really explains a lot about me. How nothing ever seems to satisfy me. It may all be due in part by the dealings of others towards me, turning me into a bitter and cynical dark entity. There is nothing to placate my dissatisfaction. 

Now Reading
Read Next
Two Homes Are Better Than None