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Redefining Family

Yes, you can choose your family.

By AMPublished 7 years ago 3 min read
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Family can be fucked up. Or, if you're me, incredibly fucked up. All of my life I have hated family because of my experiences. I never understood how other people were so in love with their family. I didn't understand how people formed healthy relationships with parents. It was beyond my understanding because all I had been exposed to was toxicity. And so in my reality, family became something that in truth, it is not. I still don't know the proper definition, and it's questionable if I ever will, but this is my reality.

My Reality of Family

Manipulative. My parents liked to play games in which they pitted me against the other. I had to take sides based on who would guarantee me peace for just a little bit. An hour would be asking for a lot, but that was the goal. Oh, and these games extended to include my step-parents, so that was fun. And eventually, extended family got thrown in the mix.

Abusive. That was my life for years — relentless emotional destruction among other methods. I can't even discuss it without being unreasonably distressed and thrown back to the past. Having only been 18 for five months now, my past isn't distant at all, and some of this pain is fresh. Wounds heal but as soon as they turn to scars, they become permanent, and these marks — emotional, mental and physical — aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

Pointless. I'm sorry, but yes, family becomes pointless when the very people who are supposed to love you are the ones that make you feel that your very existence is pointless.

Selfish. Since 13, I have been completely on my own in just about every aspect of life. On top of that, I couldn't leave my baby brothers. So up until I was 15, I tried to protect them to the best of my ability. One had sensory processing disorder and autism. This was not easy, but it was necessary, because they didn't ask to come into this world with parents who only cause chaos — who only care about themselves and their ridiculous self-pity. They didn't ask for parents who literally self-diagnose with diseases they never had, just to be either "cured" or a "victim of medical malpractice" by the latest doctor when that disease no longer served their purpose.

Intrusive. Everything that was mine, including my possessions, my personal space, my existence, became theirs. The struggle to protect what I had that mattered to me — pictures, my Bible, my violins - was so real and so hard. I lost nearly everything. And from the ruins arose deep-rooted trust issues.

Finding Truth

I could go on for all of eternity, but I don't have time to waste endlessly meditating on how my life has been fucked up, especially when I have been blessed beyond measure with friends who have enabled me to redefine family and discover truth.

I have cut ties with mostly everyone labeled as my "family" by blood or law. The past is over, but the damage is still done and I can't take any more hits.

I have been rescued by several people who legitimately showed me love, who gave me refuge while I was trapped in darkness. And slowly, I have determined that these beautiful souls are family. This is family. Just as love is a choice and not just a feeling, family is who you choose to love and who chooses to love you rather than a biological identity or legal contract.

No, family is not manipulative, does not play games, or force you to choose sides. Family is not abusive in any way — rather, they support and love. Family is NOT pointless. Family is not selfish or intrusive. These are lies perpetrated by the enemy.

I am still in the long, slow, miserable and somehow strikingly beautiful process of relearning what family means. But I am eternally grateful for the extremely select few in my life who have begun to teach me the true definition and break me out of hiding in the shadows.

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About the Creator

AM

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