Reading Over the Screaming

I have a two-year-old. The terrible two's are real. I don't give a damn what anyone says. My child is adorable and I love her with all my heart... but holy shit there are moments I seriously think about selling her on the black market. I won't, but the thought is there at times. The screaming, the tantrums, the biting, is nothing compared to when someone else tells me that she was an angel while they watched her. I was seriously hoping I would be able to skip this stage. I think every parent hopes that though. That if they discipline their kids just right, maybe, just maybe, they won't go through this god awful fucking shit box of a phase. Is that just all imagination? Wishful thinking? Probably. I genuinely enjoy when I put her to bed and an hour later she actually goes to sleep. It is pretty much the most peaceful moment of my entire day.

I still do the daily shit that I have to. I still take her to the park even though she fights with me pretty much until we get there and the second I say it's time to leave. I still cook her meals even though half of them end up on the floor. We're going through potty training and I don't even want to tell you how she fights me on that. I am the first to admit that my child can be a fucking nightmare. The other day, we were sitting on the couch, sharing a bowl of raspberries and watching Elmo and out of nowhere, she grabbed my hair, pulled as hard as she could, flipped the bowl over and screamed at the top of her lungs. I have no idea why. We sat in the time-out chair for almost a full hour. However, I swallow the want to give up, and instead I pull my screaming child into a timeout chair and we sit and wait until she calms down again.

I try to remember that I'm the only one who's going to teach her to not be a little asshole. I read at a quiet volume as she screams over me and I try to keep my cool and remind myself that if I can get her past this, maybe the world won't hate her. Maybe, if I sit here every night and read and pretend not to notice the tantrum she’ll eventually stop. Not just for this bedtime routine but for good. If I ignore the bad behavior and instead hug her close and read her an extra story when she sits in my lap and listens to the story, maybe she’ll relate that idea to the rest of life too. There are nights where the calm moment doesn’t happen. There are nights where, as she’s screaming and I’m trying to calmly read her, Today I Feel Silly, I start to cry from frustration. There are also nights when I do give up. I think that’s okay every once in a while. I know I’m not the only mom who’s sat outside her kid’s bedroom door and listened to them basically tantrum themselves to sleep.

Ultimately, I have no idea if I’m doing it right. People have asked if I considered spankings and believe me... I fucking have. But she’s a little young for that. So we have the time out chair. I ignore her tantrums and respond positively when she’s calm and asks nicely. I don’t know if that’s right. I’ve read so many parenting books and there’s a good chance they’re all bullshit. I think I’m doing it right for my kid and at the end of the day, if she’s good for other people and I have to deal with the tantrums for the next two years, I’ll be okay. I’ll need a really strong drink if it continues for two more years, but if she’s not an asshole for the rest of the world then I’ll pay that price.

The terrible twos are a real thing and there are so many ways to deal with them. Like I said, selling them is a choice. Just kidding. I love my daughter. She makes me want to rip my hair out and throw her across the room sometimes, but I love my daughter more than anything. She gives my life meaning. Even if that meaning is sometimes teaching her how to use the potty. I have no idea if I'm handling them right and I know a lot of people who will tell me I'm being too hard on her (my father included) and people who will tell me I'm not being hard enough. If there is a right answer to the terrible two's then I will bow down and offer my life for the mom that shares that divine secret with me. But I believe that mom is somewhere in the Bahamas, refusing to tell anyone her secret ways and just sips margaritas while the rest of us suffer and her perfect child picks up their toys without being asked and goes to sleep without a fight. I wish that mother terrible teenage years. Just kidding. No, I'm not.

As the mother of a tiny, horrible person, I hope you do not judge me when I tell my kid to shut up in the grocery store as she throws a tantrum. Because I will not apologize for telling her to shut up. She also won't listen to me and later while she's asleep I'll feel guilty about it anyway. But I seriously hope every mother remembers the terrible twos. I hope every mom has PTSD like flashbacks and doesn't judge when that young mom is walking away from her screaming two year old who's running after her demanding ice cream and the mom is pretending not to listen (yes, I've done this. Could you tell?). There is no escaping them, as far as I know. I may be a first-time mommy. This is my first (and hopefully only) adventure with the terrible two's. But I have done my research and every experienced parent that I have talked to has told me the same damn thing; you just have to stick it out and remember it won't last forever. So I'll go pick up my daughter, who is violently demanding candy, from daycare and remind myself that if I'm patient and I make it through today teaching her instead of just caving into her ways, maybe she won't be an asshole when she's older. I'll also remind myself that bedtime is only three hours away and as soon as she's done throwing a fit and actually asleep, I can have a drink.